Happily Married...30 Plus Years Later

This week we’ve taken a question to our readers who have generously contributed to this article. The quotes below are from people who have been happily married for thirty plus years! Here’s what they had to say about what it takes be to happily married – years and years down the road:

“We have viewed the word "commitment" as a positive word and not as a negative one.
[You] must be flexible, understanding and tolerant. It is important that each person doesn't sacrifice their personal identity and not to expect the other partner so either. We have never thought of marriage as a 50 50 relationship. We believe that we both try to give a 100%. Money issues have always been if he is broke, then I am broke too and vice versa. We have always pooled our dollars and never looked at who brought in more or less as being important. We have always stayed in contact with our close friends. Friendships that we either established before we met or during. We have always kept them close to our hearts and try to do things with them. Pick your battles wisely (don't sweat the small stuff). Family will always be family and most likely the things you like/dislike about them are not going to go away anytime soon, so deal with it the best you can as a family and move on.”

“A couple of key things: My grandmother said "never sleep on your anger" and it's true. Never go to bed angry at one another- it makes mornings much better. Also, never say what you don't mean - don't say things that aren't true just to hurt the other person. That way you won't wind up feeling bad about it in addition to hurting the other person.”

“Always marry someone who is your friend first.

Look at the way he treats his parents. If he treats them with respect and kindness than he probably will treat you the same way.

Don’t expect perfection. Laugh at the imperfections because you’re not perfect either.

Care more for him/her more than yourself, but don’t make that person you’re whole world. You must have outside interests. Your happiness should not totally depend on him/her.

Give each other freedom to do things other than with each other and don’t be jealous of the time he/she spends with friends because friends are very important parts of your lives.

When you disagree with your partner state your case and work through it but don’t bring up old hurts or get personal. Communication is the key to keeping a strong marriage.

Have respect for him/her. Always treat your partner with respect.

When you have children, show a united front when they are present. Never disagree about how to discipline them in front of them. Disagree in private if you are not united. Discuss your differences and come up with a plan that you can agree upon.

Pay attention to the things your partner likes and doesn’t like.

Do spontaneous unexpected things to keep your partner guessing.

In any relationship you should always be able to be you. You should not have to change your values, personality, or anything just to be loved. Your partner should love you just the way you are.

Now I know I’ll say this and most women today will not agree with me, but I do not believe you should live together before you get married. There’s no commitment in living together. If he wants to live with you, he can marry you. If he doesn’t want to get married but have all the privileges of marriage then that tells you something too. Around 70+ % of people who live together get divorced so your odds are much better if you do not live together beforehand.

Discuss your goals and dreams. Hopefully you have similar values. This is important.”

In this day and age where divorce has become more common and traditional values are constantly contested we often miss the lessons of what true commitment and being happily committed really mean. I hope these insights into the types of relationships we all strive to have thirty years later have been helpful. Thank you so much to the contributors. Sharing your success strategies is priceless information to many of us who hope to follow in your footsteps.

Never forget that your life is your choice. Only you get to decide what you will and will not tolerate. Click here to purchase Hear my Heels bracelets to remember to keep going towards the life you deserve.

20% of profits will go to domestic abuse charities.

Why Miss All-That can't Find Mr. Right

When a woman feels she is "Miss Average”, she actually has a few advantages. #1 The hot, cocky guy isn't approaching. This is actually to her advantage, since, if we have learned anything, nine times out of ten, the hot guy is the one that is full of himself enough to be happy to put you fifteenth on his list. #2 "Miss Average", as somewhat of a result of #1, is looking at more than just the physical characteristics. She may not be approached by the hot guy or may not have the guts to approach someone "out of her league". She must turn to Mr. Average and try to find more beneath his surface.Both Mr. and Miss Average have had to get by on MORE than looks their whole life. This means, percentage wise, there must be a higher ratio of Average Joe's with GREAT personalities than in the "hot guy" category. Now Miss Average is generally more accepting when Mr. Average approaches. She knows "hot guy" isn't coming over (and apparently lucky that he isn't). Miss Average happily accepts a date when asked, because it doesn't happen to her everyday. When she accepts the date, it is probably with Mr. Average. The guy that hasn't been able to get by on just looks and has a great personality. Miss Average finds that Mr. Average treats her amazingly well and is her true partner and friend and they end up happily ever after. Mr. Average becomes the husband that all the other ladies are jealous of and wonder, "How did she land a great guy like that?"Mean while, Miss All That is still looking for Mr. Hot. Already discussed above, the ratio or jerk is much higher in this category, leaving her either with the wrong men or having to put down the phone after a few dates, getting duped by their first impression charm. Mr. Average doesn't have the guts to approach in most situations. He has a larger fear of getting shot down than Mr. Hot. Mr. Average is more likely to treat Miss All That right, but she has such a hang up on Mr. Hot across the room, she even rejects dates with Mr. Average. Miss All That is jealous of Miss Average. Miss Average is getting the "perfect" guy while she’s still spending her life so hung up on first impression charm; she seems to have an impossible time getting past it. Miss All That has always been able to get Mr. Hot. She kept thinking it was her ticket to eternal bliss. All men have flaws and she choose the flawed personality over the flawed body. She even believed she could make Mr. Hot have the personality of Mr. Average. This has yet to work. Did I mention Miss Average is already happily married? Dating lesson of the day...Miss All That has a lot to learn from Miss Average. At the end of the day, what Miss All That wouldn't do for someone to look at her and think "Wow I can't believe she chose ME!" Mr. Average would say that. Mr. Hot is never going to. Miss All That never realized how hung up on looks she was. She never thought of herself as vein, but when it came to dating, vanity won and she was missing the boat to the happiness she wanted.

I’m sure a lot of you see a little of yourself in this. For some reason the guy you perceive to be “out of your league” is hard to say “no” to. May this be your hang up or something else, this week, take a look in the mirror and be honest about what’s getting in the way of you choosing the right men. Saying “the wrong men seem to find me” is a cop out. After all you are the one giving him your number… Remember to let those men Hear your Heels so you can go find your Mr. Right. He may even be Mr. Hot, the difference is, that won’t be the reason you give him your number. We are all going to be old and wrinkly some day, even Mr. Hot. Remember how much more personality matters.

Never forget that your life is your choice. Only you get to decide what you will and will not tolerate. Click here to purchase Hear my Heels bracelets to remember to keep going towards the life you deserve. Please forward this information to all the women you care about.

20% of profits will go to domestic abuse charities.

Emotional Abuse: The abuse no one ever told you about

I find this a very important topic to have a lot more discussion about. Although we all are raised, and hear all around us, that it is wrong for men to hit and that is abusive, the topic of emotional/verbal/psychological abuse seems to be often over looked. The damage done emotionally can last even longer than physical abuse, maybe even a life time.

We always wonder why a woman would tolerate a physically abusive man. It seems crazy to us…someone hits you – you leave – pretty simple. What people commonly don’t know is that physical abusers start as emotional abusers. By the time a man becomes physically abusive, he’s torn the woman down emotionally so bad or for so long, she’s not sure which way is up. I know most women think they can spot this guy without any more information and this goes into the “it would never happen to me” category. All I can tell you is I have an engineering degree, held good jobs, always had healthy self esteem, know better than to let a man treat me bad, and I still woke up one day to find myself in an abusive situation.

Emotional abuse can be much more complex and devious than just tearing you down, telling you that you aren’t attractive, stupid, etc. I’d like to share a short story with you to better explain how the manipulative emotional abuser works his ways.

My boyfriend at the time and I planned a long weekend vacation. I was really excited about going on vacation with just him and myself. The day we were set to leave I was sitting in my boyfriend’s house, with his roommate, waiting on him to get home so his roommate could drive us to the airport. I noticed his roommate had his bags packed and asked where he was going for the weekend. He looked at me like I had two heads and said, “I’m going with you guys.” I was shocked, hurt, and mad my boyfriend hadn’t talked to me about his roommate coming with us. I wouldn’t have bought plane tickets if I had known it was a “group” trip. When my boyfriend got home I pulled him off to the side and calmly asked him why he hadn’t discussed it with me. He told me “We discussed it last Wednesday. Don’t you remember? You were sitting right there, he was sitting here, and I was sitting over there and we all agreed.” I was really upset because I still didn’t like the situation and was no longer excited about the trip, but what was wrong with me that I couldn’t remember the conversation? It must have been my bad memory that my ex sometimes picked on me about. No matter how upset or hurt I was, I only had myself to blame. I must have agreed and not remembered.

It wasn’t even until I left him that I realized that conversation with all three of us never happened and he was just messing with my mind. It was always like that. “I already gave you directions, don’t you remember?” “We already talked about this, don’t you remember?” “I told you to bring xyz!” I felt dumber and dumber and dumber in that relationship. I thought I had a horrible memory, and sometimes I can be a little forgetful so I bought right into it. He made me dependent because I surely couldn’t depend on myself with how absent minded I had become! The entire time I was with him I never questioned it. He always put so many details around the lie it never occurred to me that I couldn’t trust the words of someone telling me that they loved me. I couldn’t imagine lying like that and thought abuse was easier to spot, like just telling someone “you are an idiot”, instead of slowly convincing them that they were stupid in such a manipulative way.

Your biggest defense against manipulative people and emotional abusers is to trust yourself no matter what the situation. Had I trusted myself and trusted the facts in my head, rather than what he was telling me was fact, we would have dated around three months instead of ending up married. Had I been educated on how emotional abuse really works, I never would have ended up in that scary situation.

The list below is signs that you may be in an abusive relationship. It’s a good list to keep in the back of your head for friends, family, or children too so you can quickly recognize red flags. This list has been taken from www.drirene.com: If you answer “yes” to more than a few, you may want to take a closer look.
Does your partner:
ignore your feelings?
disrespect you?
ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?
ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?
withhold approval, appreciation or affection?

give you the silent treatment?
walk away without answering you?
criticize you, call you names, yell at you?
humiliate you privately or in public?
roll his or her eyes when you talk?
give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?
make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don't feel well?
seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won't get?
tell you you are too sensitive?
hurt you especially when you are down?
seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?
have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason?

present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?
"twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you?
try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?
complain about how badly you treat him or her?
threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out?

say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?
ever left you stranded?
ever threaten to hurt you or your family?
ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"?
seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?
abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object?
compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?
promise to never do something hurtful again?
harass you about imagined affairs?
manipulate you with lies and contradictions?

destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances?
drive like a road-rage junkie?
act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors?
question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?
interrupt you; hear but not really listen?

make you feel like you can't win? damned if you do, damned if you don't?
use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse then?
incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to blame?
try to convince you he or she is "right," while you are "wrong?"
frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?
treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?
Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:
You express your opinions less and less freely.
You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something.
You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.
You find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior?
You feel emotionally unsafe.
You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship.
You hope things will change...especially through your love and understanding.

You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality.
You doubt your own judgment.
You doubt your abilities.
You feel vulnerable and insecure.
You are becoming increasingly depressed.
You feel increasingly trapped and powerless.

You have been or are afraid of your partner.
Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.

Another great resource is the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond by Patricia Evans. It is often quoted as the top book on emotional abuse and may be helpful for you or someone you know needing to educate his or herself on emotional abuse.

Remember that abusers are often well liked, intelligent, well respected people and only mistreating their partners while alone. If you have someone in your life, who is in a relationship, and seems to be cutting off contact with you and other friends, have a heart to heart if you are close enough. I know I may not have listened right away, but if I had people I loved telling me “It’s not okay, ever, that he did this or that.” or “You deserve a man that acts like this or does that.” or even just shown me that list, I might have woken up sooner rather than later.

Never forget that your life is your choice. Only you get to decide what you will and will not tolerate. Click here to purchase Hear my Heels bracelets to remember to keep going towards the life you deserve. Please forward this information to all the women you care about.

20% of profits will go to domestic abuse charities.

Mr. Right vs. Mr. Right Now - Part III

Stop saying no to the nice guy that you can tell is super nervous approaching you. Stop dating only the guy with the great first impression. Mr. Smooth, Mr. Hottie, and Mr. Cool often give the best first impressions, but how many times have you dated one of those guys only to find out he wasn’t the best boyfriend? Mr. Average, Mr. Nervous, Mr. Shy-At-First may really like you and treat you very well!!!

Stop judging Mr. Into-You on how physically attracted you are to him. Ever thought someone was more or less attractive after spending time with them and seeing them for their great or terrible personality? Take a risk- take the date. Try on Mr. Nice, Mr. Shy, Mr. Not-My-Type, or Mr. Nervous…and then try not to judge him too much on the first date. Yes you’ve made a list and if he hits things on your “Run For It” list or doesn’t hit your “Necessity” list don’t waste his or your time. However, if the first date just didn’t “click” and was kind of awkward give it another shot. If it doesn’t work out at least it is a step in the right direction towards giving quality men your time and starting to weed out the guys that are never going to treat you the way you dream of being treated.

The vast majority of us all want the same thing, to find Mr. Right, keep Mr. Right, and stop dating all the Mr. Right-Nows. I hope, at the very least, by writing down who he is and isn’t in a “Necessity” and “Run For it” list you can keep your eyes more firmly planted on your goal. For me, this is why I created the “Hear my Heels” bracelet. It serves as a great daily reminder to walk away, with your head held high, from all the Mr. Right-Nows. Keeping a reminder, keeping goals, and reminding yourself again and again of what you deserve will help you stop wasting time on Mr. Right Now. If you are with him you are missing your chance at meeting Mr. Right. Let that thought be your smile as you walk away.

Every one of you deserves to find him. It’s your life, these are your choices, go make what you want a reality and don’t give up until it is. You are going to hit bumps, you are going to meet toads and sometimes you are going to get your heart broken. All of these things teach you lessons you need and help you grow stronger if you let them. Keep your reminders up of the life you want. Keep reaching for it and never, never, never, never give up. He IS out there…you may not even believe that until you find him…but he is.

Never forget everything you deserve in life. Click here to purchase Hear my Heels bracelets to remember to keep going towards something better. Please forward this information to all the women you care about.

Hear my Heels ~ The sound of you walking away, smiling, towards something better.

20% of profits are donated to domestic abuse charities.

Copyright 2009 Molly Pennington All rights reserved