Dear 20 Year Old Me,
You are so far off of how your life is going to turn out there is absolutely no point trying to worry about it, and I would appreciate it if you don’t go off getting wrinkles stressing about it. You CAN NOT plan your life. The saying “life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.” …100% true.
Don’t freak out, but you are going to wake up one day 30 and single. No you aren’t damaged goods or some undatable mess. Its just life, luck, growth, and throw in a little of Murphy and his pain-in-the-ass, bite-you-in-the-butt-every-time Laws. Murphy’s an ass, but we can discuss that later.
I’m telling you not to freak out, because I know you can not imagine it now, but you are going to be really happy and content just as you are. Yup. I’m serious. You don’t actually need a man to be happy. Revelation huh?
You have no idea how much you are going to grow and change in your 20’s. At 30 you still have the same qualities of your distant 20 year old self. However you are going to develop new passions, new hobbies, and amazing friendships. And I know you won’t believe me now, but it won’t even give you anxiety to talk to strangers. I know you don’t believe me. I know you can’t see it now, but you will be so amazed how comfortable in your own skin you’ll become in the next 10 years.
You will develop the ability to walk away from relationships which aren’t right for you. Don’t be scared of starting over. I promise it will feel empowering and not lonely. Each time you stand up for yourself you’re going to walk away with a smile on your face. Just trust your gut. Your gut won’t lie to you even when others do.
So if I can give one piece of advice to you now… Please – just enjoy the ride. You worry too much about how your life will turn out and there’s really no need. Stop trying to plan something you can’t plan. Stop force fitting relationships, friendships, and yourself. Just do you. Try hard. Play hard. Find passions. Dance. Have confidence that your hard work, dedication to always trying to do the right thing, and your love for life will lead you in the right direction. Be you, enjoy you, and the world will come to your door.
You have no idea how many amazing possibilities are out there waiting for you. Be exicted. Its one hell of a ride…
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
Dangling Band aids
I read a study once concerning if the "pull the band aid off in one quick swoop" really was the best method for controlling pain or not. The study was conducted by a burn victim who often had to have most-of-body dressings changed which would rip at his skin. The nurses were always convinced that pulling the bandages off as quickly as possible was the best way to manage over all pain, and duration of pain. Its the band aid approach.
We all know this approach to be true with a little band aid, but does it apply to all pain? The study concluded that, no, the band aid approach was not universal. When dealing with big pain, opposed to small band aid pain, ripping the dressing off very slowly was the best approach. The over all pain felt was less with the slow removal for big pain. The real reason the nurses stuck to their guns that the band aid approach was best was they couldn't take the emotional pain of ripping it off slow and hearing and seeing, for such a long duration, how much they were hurting the patient.
I was thinking about this study today as I was looking at emotional pain. I just ended a four year relationship almost two weeks ago. I did a lot of reading before I broke it off trying to gather insight on the best way to end it for the other person's sake. What should you say, not say, how to help them get closure, etc.
It was the hardest, most painful, thing I have ever done. Hurting someone like that is miserable even when you know it is best for you. However, I followed all of the advice as best I could. I had the tough conversation and didn't run away from it. I had the second, even tougher, conversation with him the next day when it had absorbed a little more.
Unfortunately our break up was not mutual. Although I know for me my reasons are 100% valid and make an end to the relationship necessary, he did not and does not agree with any of my reasons. It is very very hard because he keeps coming back trying to when me over, trying to understand more, not thinking my reasons are valid and we should work on it.
As horrible as having to hurt him initially felt, I feel like I am still constantly ripping off a band aid on him day after day. I've stated my reasons, I've written to him my reasons in detail, however as much as you want to make the other person understand, the reality is, they were in a different relationship reality. They had a different experience, and no matter how my signals you gave that this train was approaching, they feel completely blind sided.
So I come to the point with my giant looming question. As he writes day after day trying to make it work, as he doesn't pack up because he still thinks there's hope, is it better with emotional pain to rip off the band aid once or continue ripping it off slowly?
The "one rip band aid approach" to me was what I did and am trying to do. I had the conversation in person twice. He still didn't understand so I wrote the detailed email explaining what lead me to this point. Now I feel like I have given him all the information I can possibly give him and the only other thing I could keep saying is "I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." So I believe it's best to stop the communication. I feel as if more communication is just ripping one more hair out of his arm as the band aid slowly rips. If I respond...will he ever understand, even though he doesn't agree, that it is over? I think it is meaner to respond at all which gives him some sort of hope that I'm still there.
The "slowly ripping the dressing approach" would be to continue communication for as long has he needs it. Its hard to put the shoe on the other foot, however I can't imagine this slow ripping sensation helps him. How many times can he stand hearing again and again "I'm sorry its over. I'm sorry this is what is right for me."
Possibly I am choosing my approach based on my personal pain tolerance and not what is best for him. I can't take punching him in the gut again and again. It seems so cruel. So what is worse? Getting an almost silent treatment after you've given all the information and answers you have to give? Or continuing to tell him all the reasons I don't want to be with him and keep pulling that band aid off one hair at a time?
I don't have any answers on this one...
We all know this approach to be true with a little band aid, but does it apply to all pain? The study concluded that, no, the band aid approach was not universal. When dealing with big pain, opposed to small band aid pain, ripping the dressing off very slowly was the best approach. The over all pain felt was less with the slow removal for big pain. The real reason the nurses stuck to their guns that the band aid approach was best was they couldn't take the emotional pain of ripping it off slow and hearing and seeing, for such a long duration, how much they were hurting the patient.
I was thinking about this study today as I was looking at emotional pain. I just ended a four year relationship almost two weeks ago. I did a lot of reading before I broke it off trying to gather insight on the best way to end it for the other person's sake. What should you say, not say, how to help them get closure, etc.
It was the hardest, most painful, thing I have ever done. Hurting someone like that is miserable even when you know it is best for you. However, I followed all of the advice as best I could. I had the tough conversation and didn't run away from it. I had the second, even tougher, conversation with him the next day when it had absorbed a little more.
Unfortunately our break up was not mutual. Although I know for me my reasons are 100% valid and make an end to the relationship necessary, he did not and does not agree with any of my reasons. It is very very hard because he keeps coming back trying to when me over, trying to understand more, not thinking my reasons are valid and we should work on it.
As horrible as having to hurt him initially felt, I feel like I am still constantly ripping off a band aid on him day after day. I've stated my reasons, I've written to him my reasons in detail, however as much as you want to make the other person understand, the reality is, they were in a different relationship reality. They had a different experience, and no matter how my signals you gave that this train was approaching, they feel completely blind sided.
So I come to the point with my giant looming question. As he writes day after day trying to make it work, as he doesn't pack up because he still thinks there's hope, is it better with emotional pain to rip off the band aid once or continue ripping it off slowly?
The "one rip band aid approach" to me was what I did and am trying to do. I had the conversation in person twice. He still didn't understand so I wrote the detailed email explaining what lead me to this point. Now I feel like I have given him all the information I can possibly give him and the only other thing I could keep saying is "I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." So I believe it's best to stop the communication. I feel as if more communication is just ripping one more hair out of his arm as the band aid slowly rips. If I respond...will he ever understand, even though he doesn't agree, that it is over? I think it is meaner to respond at all which gives him some sort of hope that I'm still there.
The "slowly ripping the dressing approach" would be to continue communication for as long has he needs it. Its hard to put the shoe on the other foot, however I can't imagine this slow ripping sensation helps him. How many times can he stand hearing again and again "I'm sorry its over. I'm sorry this is what is right for me."
Possibly I am choosing my approach based on my personal pain tolerance and not what is best for him. I can't take punching him in the gut again and again. It seems so cruel. So what is worse? Getting an almost silent treatment after you've given all the information and answers you have to give? Or continuing to tell him all the reasons I don't want to be with him and keep pulling that band aid off one hair at a time?
I don't have any answers on this one...
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Life Laughs When you Make Plans
“Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans…”
I don’t believe I’ve ever felt this saying before. That while I was planning my life away an entirely different life was presenting itself, right in front of me, while I was caught up in my own relationship drama.
I am still sad and still greiving how badly I hurt someone. However I have just finished the task of telling everyone who needed to know that it was over. The people around me have been so supportive and presented such amazing opportunities. I’m rekindeling friendships with some great friends I have seen much lately, there’s hope for future relationship success, and most things appear so happy and light.
This is the exact opposite of how I thought I would feel. I thought I would feel heavy and alone in the world. A little lost and taking too much time to bounce back and figure out what the heck I’m doing. I’m so thankful to be 30. Age, wisdom, life experience is finally serving its purpose.
So today, and only a week out of the worst, hardest conversation of my life here’s my glass half full…
I have discovered that 30 and single feels totally normal. It feels light and I don’t feel the rush and pressure of timelines.
My friends and family are AMAZING. As with my divorce I was surpised how quickly everyone rushed to support me no matter what I decided, and with very little explanation. This time, same thing, some how, even though most were shocked, their very first contact was to tell me they love me, are here for me, stand behind anything I decide, and lets meet up. Thank you all so much. I’m old enough that I don’t need the validation anymore, but it still feels nine million times better to recover on the wings of support.
There’s a friend who’s stepped forward…there may possibly be something really amazing with someone else.
I feel empowered. I can now say with 100% certainty I am no longer the woman who chose an abusive husband. My shit is together, I don’t settle, I don’t apologize for taking care of myself, and I feel deserving of the best life has to offer.
Happy Thursday all. …I think I’ve finally earned wearing my Hear my Heels bracelet again.
I don’t believe I’ve ever felt this saying before. That while I was planning my life away an entirely different life was presenting itself, right in front of me, while I was caught up in my own relationship drama.
I am still sad and still greiving how badly I hurt someone. However I have just finished the task of telling everyone who needed to know that it was over. The people around me have been so supportive and presented such amazing opportunities. I’m rekindeling friendships with some great friends I have seen much lately, there’s hope for future relationship success, and most things appear so happy and light.
This is the exact opposite of how I thought I would feel. I thought I would feel heavy and alone in the world. A little lost and taking too much time to bounce back and figure out what the heck I’m doing. I’m so thankful to be 30. Age, wisdom, life experience is finally serving its purpose.
So today, and only a week out of the worst, hardest conversation of my life here’s my glass half full…
I have discovered that 30 and single feels totally normal. It feels light and I don’t feel the rush and pressure of timelines.
My friends and family are AMAZING. As with my divorce I was surpised how quickly everyone rushed to support me no matter what I decided, and with very little explanation. This time, same thing, some how, even though most were shocked, their very first contact was to tell me they love me, are here for me, stand behind anything I decide, and lets meet up. Thank you all so much. I’m old enough that I don’t need the validation anymore, but it still feels nine million times better to recover on the wings of support.
There’s a friend who’s stepped forward…there may possibly be something really amazing with someone else.
I feel empowered. I can now say with 100% certainty I am no longer the woman who chose an abusive husband. My shit is together, I don’t settle, I don’t apologize for taking care of myself, and I feel deserving of the best life has to offer.
Happy Thursday all. …I think I’ve finally earned wearing my Hear my Heels bracelet again.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Mean is the Best Nice
There is nothing worse than the feeling of breaking something off with someone you care about, watching them go through that pain and knowing you were the cause of it. It makes me think a lot about what is the best thing I can do for him right now. What is best for me to do, how should I act to help him heal? ...Is being 'mean' the nicest thing you can do?
Emotions are not always rational. You do not turn from loving someone to hating them or wanting nothing to do with them just because they have hurt you. It makes it hard to figure out what the best way is to deal with a recent ex, especially when you know they are probably looking for any signs of hope that it may not be totally over.
When you get that "I just want you to know I miss you" text, how are you supposed to respond when you do care about that person however do not want to hurt them more by telling them you still care, giving them false hope?
It feels horrible to be 'mean'. To leave that text lingering without reciprocation...I know it doesn't make me a bad person for not feeling the same, but I sure feel like one. However, sometimes the nicest thing you can do in the long run is to be mean. Giving false hope only makes you so much meaner in the long run.
By 'mean' I am not saying to call your ex names or do something spiteful. Its about being honest. Especially when honest is going to really really hurt. If this is someone you care about you owe them gut wrenching honest. Sugar coating the break up is only leaving them confused for a longer period of time, not giving them closure and making it harder for them to figure out whats going on and eventually heal.
Being mean I do believe is the hardest thing I have ever done. I wish doing the right thing could feel better. I wish doing right by me didn't have to mean making someone else have the worst day of their life. That said, there is nothing truly meaner than only ripping half a band aid off and having it hang there pulling on your skin. Ripping it off in one solid motion is the only way to let the wound heal.
This is hard. I know it will pass, but even though this was the right and necessary path for me, being mean to be nice is the hardest most hurtful thing I've ever done.
Emotions are not always rational. You do not turn from loving someone to hating them or wanting nothing to do with them just because they have hurt you. It makes it hard to figure out what the best way is to deal with a recent ex, especially when you know they are probably looking for any signs of hope that it may not be totally over.
When you get that "I just want you to know I miss you" text, how are you supposed to respond when you do care about that person however do not want to hurt them more by telling them you still care, giving them false hope?
It feels horrible to be 'mean'. To leave that text lingering without reciprocation...I know it doesn't make me a bad person for not feeling the same, but I sure feel like one. However, sometimes the nicest thing you can do in the long run is to be mean. Giving false hope only makes you so much meaner in the long run.
By 'mean' I am not saying to call your ex names or do something spiteful. Its about being honest. Especially when honest is going to really really hurt. If this is someone you care about you owe them gut wrenching honest. Sugar coating the break up is only leaving them confused for a longer period of time, not giving them closure and making it harder for them to figure out whats going on and eventually heal.
Being mean I do believe is the hardest thing I have ever done. I wish doing the right thing could feel better. I wish doing right by me didn't have to mean making someone else have the worst day of their life. That said, there is nothing truly meaner than only ripping half a band aid off and having it hang there pulling on your skin. Ripping it off in one solid motion is the only way to let the wound heal.
This is hard. I know it will pass, but even though this was the right and necessary path for me, being mean to be nice is the hardest most hurtful thing I've ever done.
Monday, October 1, 2012
30 and Single
30 and single...wow. Had you asked me at 23 how I'd feel about 30 and single I would have freaked out. I would have thought I was such a fuck up and wondered what the hell became wrong with me in my 20s that this happened.
Maybe it hasn't set in yet, however 30 and single doesn't feel as horrible as I imagined it in my head. There's a big piece of me which feels empowered by it. Because I know, for me, it means I haven't settled. Saying 'no', making these decisions to go back out into the word on my own, feels brave instead of scary.
My 23 year old self can't imagine what a full life I have at single and 30. I am amazingly grateful for wonderful, supportive, crutch-when-I-need-them, friends. I'll have my own amazing house, a successful career, be comfortable my own skin and care very little what other people think about me.
I really expected to feel a real weight with single and 30. Lost dreams of family and children, and the lifestyle I thought I always wanted. I just don't feel that old though. The burden I expected to feel doesn't exist.
So 23 year old me, and 23 year old you... Stop worrying about how your life will turn out. You have absolutely zero control. Stop wishing that relationship to work because you can't stand the thought of dating again. Be bold, be single, be happy.
All I can tell you is whatever weight you expect to feel with not having found your ultimate life path at 30 doesn't exist. You are as young as you feel and when you believe in yourself and your worth, no one can stop you. So what you have to date again. Maybe you haven't experienced this yet, but I promise you, single and 30 is a MUCH better feeling than 25 and settling.
You deserve the life you want. Go after it and stop giving in to other people holding you back from greatness.
Maybe it hasn't set in yet, however 30 and single doesn't feel as horrible as I imagined it in my head. There's a big piece of me which feels empowered by it. Because I know, for me, it means I haven't settled. Saying 'no', making these decisions to go back out into the word on my own, feels brave instead of scary.
My 23 year old self can't imagine what a full life I have at single and 30. I am amazingly grateful for wonderful, supportive, crutch-when-I-need-them, friends. I'll have my own amazing house, a successful career, be comfortable my own skin and care very little what other people think about me.
I really expected to feel a real weight with single and 30. Lost dreams of family and children, and the lifestyle I thought I always wanted. I just don't feel that old though. The burden I expected to feel doesn't exist.
So 23 year old me, and 23 year old you... Stop worrying about how your life will turn out. You have absolutely zero control. Stop wishing that relationship to work because you can't stand the thought of dating again. Be bold, be single, be happy.
All I can tell you is whatever weight you expect to feel with not having found your ultimate life path at 30 doesn't exist. You are as young as you feel and when you believe in yourself and your worth, no one can stop you. So what you have to date again. Maybe you haven't experienced this yet, but I promise you, single and 30 is a MUCH better feeling than 25 and settling.
You deserve the life you want. Go after it and stop giving in to other people holding you back from greatness.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Being the Bad Guy
How will you feel when you knowingly cause someone to have the worst day of their life so far?
My boyfriend of four years proposed a month ago. I should have been thrilled, bragging about my ring, and ready to plan our life together. Unfortunately I felt none of those things. I was horrified at myself. I didn't want to talk about it. I changed the subject when people brought it up. I danced around it anytime my fiance asked about making wedding plans. I felt nothing but anxiety and my gut was pulling at me hard saying "no no no don't do it!"
He was a great guy. He tried his best to make me happy. He cooked me dinner, he was always respectful, and didn't have a mean bone in his body. People looked at us as the happy normal couple. So when I finally got everything I wanted why wasn't I just happy?
At first I felt like I was just a complete fuck up. Maybe I was too messed up from my divorce to accept real love. Maybe I was a self saboteur. Maybe I was such a stubborn ass I was just too pissed he made me wait so long. But none of those things were the truth.
The truth was the worst part. I've had someone say these words to me before and remember being completely blindsided. "I'm just not in love with you any more." Its too horrible to say to someone you care so much about. But it was true. While he was getting ready and planning over the years I felt more and more gotten around to. While at year four he was reaching the height of his love and ready to make a leap I was ready two years ago and coming down down down of the wings of love with disappointment, resentment, and pain in hand.
There are no words to describe how horrible it feels to rip some one's heart apart by saying those horrible words. ..."I fell out of love. I'm sorry but I can't marry you." I could not get him to understand a word of what I was saying as our experience of this relationship was so different over the past year. There was nothing I could do to make it better and ease his pain.
No sugar coating, when you rip the band aid off, it will be horrible and sad and you will feel like complete shit for doing it. Having just ripped the band aid off and telling him its over, I feel like nothing more than a horrible person. I know my friends will tell me it doesn't make me a horrible person, but right now, it doesn't matter. It feels the same when you are the direct cause of someone else being in so much pain.
Listening to him ask if we could try was horrible. I feel like such an asshole for telling him no, I'm done, no trying. I know I did that not just for me, but for him in the fact that it would just drag this out, however it still feels the same.
I am beside myself with how much pain I just caused him. I understand how he felt blindsided and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I just ripped the entire rug from under him.
I know no one takes pity on the person doing the dirty deed of ending a relationship, but wow did it suck. Right now I just hate myself for hurting him. I don't feel worthy of happiness, love, or much else that is pleasurable.
I really hope he finds his happy ending. He didn't deserve to have to go through this. No one should have to propose twice in their lifetime. I'm so sorry I took that first moment from him.
My boyfriend of four years proposed a month ago. I should have been thrilled, bragging about my ring, and ready to plan our life together. Unfortunately I felt none of those things. I was horrified at myself. I didn't want to talk about it. I changed the subject when people brought it up. I danced around it anytime my fiance asked about making wedding plans. I felt nothing but anxiety and my gut was pulling at me hard saying "no no no don't do it!"
He was a great guy. He tried his best to make me happy. He cooked me dinner, he was always respectful, and didn't have a mean bone in his body. People looked at us as the happy normal couple. So when I finally got everything I wanted why wasn't I just happy?
At first I felt like I was just a complete fuck up. Maybe I was too messed up from my divorce to accept real love. Maybe I was a self saboteur. Maybe I was such a stubborn ass I was just too pissed he made me wait so long. But none of those things were the truth.
The truth was the worst part. I've had someone say these words to me before and remember being completely blindsided. "I'm just not in love with you any more." Its too horrible to say to someone you care so much about. But it was true. While he was getting ready and planning over the years I felt more and more gotten around to. While at year four he was reaching the height of his love and ready to make a leap I was ready two years ago and coming down down down of the wings of love with disappointment, resentment, and pain in hand.
There are no words to describe how horrible it feels to rip some one's heart apart by saying those horrible words. ..."I fell out of love. I'm sorry but I can't marry you." I could not get him to understand a word of what I was saying as our experience of this relationship was so different over the past year. There was nothing I could do to make it better and ease his pain.
No sugar coating, when you rip the band aid off, it will be horrible and sad and you will feel like complete shit for doing it. Having just ripped the band aid off and telling him its over, I feel like nothing more than a horrible person. I know my friends will tell me it doesn't make me a horrible person, but right now, it doesn't matter. It feels the same when you are the direct cause of someone else being in so much pain.
Listening to him ask if we could try was horrible. I feel like such an asshole for telling him no, I'm done, no trying. I know I did that not just for me, but for him in the fact that it would just drag this out, however it still feels the same.
I am beside myself with how much pain I just caused him. I understand how he felt blindsided and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I just ripped the entire rug from under him.
I know no one takes pity on the person doing the dirty deed of ending a relationship, but wow did it suck. Right now I just hate myself for hurting him. I don't feel worthy of happiness, love, or much else that is pleasurable.
I really hope he finds his happy ending. He didn't deserve to have to go through this. No one should have to propose twice in their lifetime. I'm so sorry I took that first moment from him.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Table For One
I had a first today. I was in a situation where I needed to eat lunch alone and it was going to be the sole restaurant or go hungry. So I had lunch alone, and thoroughly enjoyed it.
The real phenomenon that you 20 somethings have to look forward to is how much more comfortable you are in your own skin at 30. I don't often have a need to go eat alone, however when I've had to on occasion as a 20 something I remember feeling very awkward sitting alone. Today I couldn't have cared less and actually enjoyed my lunch as I'm getting a rare day of solitude.
I don't think you realize how much you change in your 20's until you hit the next decade. It seems sometimes that when you graduate college and go off into the world you are supposed to just "know" and have everything figured out. You made your mistakes in college, you learned a lot about yourself, and you do have a sense that you now know what you want and what is right for you. What you don't realize is how much you are also going to screw up in your 20's, how much you will continue to learn about yourself, and what a different, much more confident person you will be at 30.
Let me use myself as an example to describe what I mean....
My 23 year old graduating college self: SHY, painfully shy unless I knew you. I had no idea how to make small talk, start conversations with strangers, and those situations caused me a great amount of stress. I didn't drink. I had never had more than a sip or two of anything. I wanted to get married right away and settle down. I wasn't confident with men. I didn't stand up for myself and have a sense of "screw you I don't need this shit". I wasn't a leader in the work place. Although I've always been confident with my intelligence I wasn't confident stating my opinion and arguing it. I write all of this and see although I thought at the time I was an extremely confident woman, I wasn't. I was a shy kid still trying to find my way and figure out the world.
My 30 year old self: I'm no longer shy. Seven years of corporate positions where I speak, email, and present to people internationally, at least eight hours a day, has finally kicked it out of me. Conversations with strangers don't bring me anxiety. I can talk for hours to someone I barely know, assuming I have some interest in whatever they are saying. I will only get married when the situation is dead on. I had a harder time walking away at 23 than I do now at 30. Sure there are stupid biological clocks going off, but I know myself and what I want and need. If I don't see it in front of me I'm able to make the tough decision to walk. I greatly enjoy a glass of wine at night. I stand up for myself. May it be the cable guy, a man, or someone at work, I trust my options, my intelligence, and stand for what I want. I'm not worried about other people liking me. I like me, if they don't, there are others who will. I feel comfortable with the history and tools at my disposal to make the right life decisions. I can sit at a table for one and just enjoy the view.
My advice to the 20 somethings is to use your time to explore the world around you. I don't mean quit your job and travel the world in la la land. I mean take the job you're scared you aren't qualified for. Don't be afraid to try on a lot of first dates which don't go anywhere and figure out if what you think you need is actually what you like. Try starting a business and fail brilliantly. Try another one and enjoy the ride and knowledge even if it fails too. This is the last point in life without sevear consequences. You can take the wrong job and still get a career back on track. You can try a different type of relationship on, decide you don't like it, and still have plenty of time to find someone. You can go broke trying to start a company and still recover without others depending on you.
Learn that feeling awkward can be the positive feeling of trying something new. Enjoy awkward knowing it won't always be. Take chances, not dangerous ones, but so so so many chances.
One day you will wake up at 30 and be so happy with how well you know yourself, like yourself, be so confident in the skills you have, and comfortable with the things you aren't so good at. One day you'll wake up and realize you're sitting at a table for one, and are enjoying the hell out of it.
The real phenomenon that you 20 somethings have to look forward to is how much more comfortable you are in your own skin at 30. I don't often have a need to go eat alone, however when I've had to on occasion as a 20 something I remember feeling very awkward sitting alone. Today I couldn't have cared less and actually enjoyed my lunch as I'm getting a rare day of solitude.
I don't think you realize how much you change in your 20's until you hit the next decade. It seems sometimes that when you graduate college and go off into the world you are supposed to just "know" and have everything figured out. You made your mistakes in college, you learned a lot about yourself, and you do have a sense that you now know what you want and what is right for you. What you don't realize is how much you are also going to screw up in your 20's, how much you will continue to learn about yourself, and what a different, much more confident person you will be at 30.
Let me use myself as an example to describe what I mean....
My 23 year old graduating college self: SHY, painfully shy unless I knew you. I had no idea how to make small talk, start conversations with strangers, and those situations caused me a great amount of stress. I didn't drink. I had never had more than a sip or two of anything. I wanted to get married right away and settle down. I wasn't confident with men. I didn't stand up for myself and have a sense of "screw you I don't need this shit". I wasn't a leader in the work place. Although I've always been confident with my intelligence I wasn't confident stating my opinion and arguing it. I write all of this and see although I thought at the time I was an extremely confident woman, I wasn't. I was a shy kid still trying to find my way and figure out the world.
My 30 year old self: I'm no longer shy. Seven years of corporate positions where I speak, email, and present to people internationally, at least eight hours a day, has finally kicked it out of me. Conversations with strangers don't bring me anxiety. I can talk for hours to someone I barely know, assuming I have some interest in whatever they are saying. I will only get married when the situation is dead on. I had a harder time walking away at 23 than I do now at 30. Sure there are stupid biological clocks going off, but I know myself and what I want and need. If I don't see it in front of me I'm able to make the tough decision to walk. I greatly enjoy a glass of wine at night. I stand up for myself. May it be the cable guy, a man, or someone at work, I trust my options, my intelligence, and stand for what I want. I'm not worried about other people liking me. I like me, if they don't, there are others who will. I feel comfortable with the history and tools at my disposal to make the right life decisions. I can sit at a table for one and just enjoy the view.
My advice to the 20 somethings is to use your time to explore the world around you. I don't mean quit your job and travel the world in la la land. I mean take the job you're scared you aren't qualified for. Don't be afraid to try on a lot of first dates which don't go anywhere and figure out if what you think you need is actually what you like. Try starting a business and fail brilliantly. Try another one and enjoy the ride and knowledge even if it fails too. This is the last point in life without sevear consequences. You can take the wrong job and still get a career back on track. You can try a different type of relationship on, decide you don't like it, and still have plenty of time to find someone. You can go broke trying to start a company and still recover without others depending on you.
Learn that feeling awkward can be the positive feeling of trying something new. Enjoy awkward knowing it won't always be. Take chances, not dangerous ones, but so so so many chances.
One day you will wake up at 30 and be so happy with how well you know yourself, like yourself, be so confident in the skills you have, and comfortable with the things you aren't so good at. One day you'll wake up and realize you're sitting at a table for one, and are enjoying the hell out of it.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Only Mr. Forever "Won't Give up"
The perfect marriage proposal by Jason Mraz:
"I Won't Give Up"
When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.
I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
What gets me about the song is the understanding you are walking into something knowing it's not always going to be rainbows and sunshine and being ready for the work, patience, and growth because you love that person so so much.
I think many people walk towards marriage thinking its going to solve something. Thinking it will do something to enhance their relationship and dissolve issues. And especially in women, when they decide they are ready to marry, shove the logic out the window of "is this relationship right?" "Is this man right for me?"
I think we could afford to take a cue from men on this one. Yup...I said it. No matter what point they are in the dating stage, they generally don't move forward until they've fully considered the relationship, its characteristics, and if it is the right relationship to move forward. I think some times for women after the "I love you's" have been exchanged we stop looking and qualifying our partner. We go in to la la love land and forget to keep going back in, taking an honest look, and thinking hard about "is this situation, person, relationship right for me in the end?" "Should I even be saying yes if he asks?"
Biology has screwed us quite a bit clogging our heads with deadlines for families. However, how many relationships have you had, which ended, and you thought to yourself later, "why the hell did I date him so long?" I remember doing this in college. I dated a guy for a yr and a half. He lived in the apartment below me. I was IN the relationship. Being so close the people in our apartments were all good friends, we all did everything together, and we saw each other every day never even needed to have a fight about a drawer or key since everything of your own was right there. We exchanged "I love you's", we even talked about marriage a few times like it was something we wanted in the future. I think one day he woke up in went "whoa - what are we doing? I'm not really that into this". I cried my eyes out because I didn't see it coming. However, within 48 hrs I was shaking my head at myself thinking "Why the heck did I date him so long? I don't really like him that much." 48 hrs of clearing my head was all I needed to come to the same conclusion he did. Scary.
My point is this, and a lot of us ladies do it... We get so wrapped up in our relationships, we get so wrapped up in this fantasy of the future we stop qualifying the person we are with.
No one is ever going to say those Jason Mraz words to us if we are busy being "lost" in love with Mr. Now instead of qualifying Mr. Now, deciding if Mr. Now is right, and moving on to go look for Mr. Forever if he isn't.
To get to the marriage which lasts a life time and doesn't end in despair we need to qualify more. We need to trust that we are amazing and Mr. Forever will find us. But if we keep hanging around with Mr. Now and not qualifying him, we may have met Mr. Forever on the street, who didn't ask us out because we aren't single right now.
Do you want an average to crappy happyish life with someone, or would you rather risk being single to find someone whos going to love you so hard he'll stick through everything with you? ...so simple on paper. Don't let biology or external pressures get in the way of getting everything you deserve out of life. Have faith that what you desire is rational and reasonable, you deserve it, and go after it.
Happy Thursday...thank God this week is almost over.
"I Won't Give Up"
When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.
I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
What gets me about the song is the understanding you are walking into something knowing it's not always going to be rainbows and sunshine and being ready for the work, patience, and growth because you love that person so so much.
I think many people walk towards marriage thinking its going to solve something. Thinking it will do something to enhance their relationship and dissolve issues. And especially in women, when they decide they are ready to marry, shove the logic out the window of "is this relationship right?" "Is this man right for me?"
I think we could afford to take a cue from men on this one. Yup...I said it. No matter what point they are in the dating stage, they generally don't move forward until they've fully considered the relationship, its characteristics, and if it is the right relationship to move forward. I think some times for women after the "I love you's" have been exchanged we stop looking and qualifying our partner. We go in to la la love land and forget to keep going back in, taking an honest look, and thinking hard about "is this situation, person, relationship right for me in the end?" "Should I even be saying yes if he asks?"
Biology has screwed us quite a bit clogging our heads with deadlines for families. However, how many relationships have you had, which ended, and you thought to yourself later, "why the hell did I date him so long?" I remember doing this in college. I dated a guy for a yr and a half. He lived in the apartment below me. I was IN the relationship. Being so close the people in our apartments were all good friends, we all did everything together, and we saw each other every day never even needed to have a fight about a drawer or key since everything of your own was right there. We exchanged "I love you's", we even talked about marriage a few times like it was something we wanted in the future. I think one day he woke up in went "whoa - what are we doing? I'm not really that into this". I cried my eyes out because I didn't see it coming. However, within 48 hrs I was shaking my head at myself thinking "Why the heck did I date him so long? I don't really like him that much." 48 hrs of clearing my head was all I needed to come to the same conclusion he did. Scary.
My point is this, and a lot of us ladies do it... We get so wrapped up in our relationships, we get so wrapped up in this fantasy of the future we stop qualifying the person we are with.
No one is ever going to say those Jason Mraz words to us if we are busy being "lost" in love with Mr. Now instead of qualifying Mr. Now, deciding if Mr. Now is right, and moving on to go look for Mr. Forever if he isn't.
To get to the marriage which lasts a life time and doesn't end in despair we need to qualify more. We need to trust that we are amazing and Mr. Forever will find us. But if we keep hanging around with Mr. Now and not qualifying him, we may have met Mr. Forever on the street, who didn't ask us out because we aren't single right now.
Do you want an average to crappy happyish life with someone, or would you rather risk being single to find someone whos going to love you so hard he'll stick through everything with you? ...so simple on paper. Don't let biology or external pressures get in the way of getting everything you deserve out of life. Have faith that what you desire is rational and reasonable, you deserve it, and go after it.
Happy Thursday...thank God this week is almost over.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Not my Father's Country
One of the parts I love about getting older is developing a deeper understanding of the world around me, politics, economic history, and engaging in debate about it all. Knowing is also frustrating because the current reality in this country is just down right scary. From the top and from the bottom the people are not what they used to be. This is truly a different time. This is not my father's country.
My father's country was the one who believed the USA was the most amazing country on the planet. Kind of thumped their chests and were in no way afraid to let the rest of the world know it. We weren't cocky. We really were just that good. Companies and people weren't made to feel as if they should apologize and be ashamed of their success and fortunes. "Millionaire" was an extremely prideful title which showed the world that you were smart, took the time to educate yourself, struggled, and worked your ass off to achieve the American Dream.
I want my father's country. The one which was happy to welcome you into the country, but believed in being American and expected you to assimilate. The country who didn't apologize but rather focused on being a world leader and protector. You didn't mess with my father's America. There would have been serious consequences. My father's America didn't sue McDonald's because they were fat. Back in the day if you were fat it was typically your fault.
The country I am left with is a meak minded, pride-in-country-less group. We apologize, and embarrass ourselves, looking weak to other countries for who we are and what we are about. We make it ok for people to live here for free and allow them to not even try to be American. Fat people are now "weight challenged". Blind people are "sight impaired". Hyper children are now labeled with a disorder. I don't understand why you need these labels to feel better about yourself. If you had self esteem in the first place you probably wouldn't give a shit what term people used anyway. If you're fat, I don't care, just own it please.
It brings me great pain to take a step back and really look at the America that was, the America that is, and freaks me out to think of the America that will be. I love this country so much and take pride in being a nationalist. Please stop ruining the greatest country to ever be developed. It took us so long to get here - to this point where we have equalities and the financial success. You are taking it all down in record time. What has taken hundreds of years to grow from great to best can be pulverized in a single generation.
There's one major change everyone needs to step back and review: personal responsibility. Don't eat your weight in doughnuts and expect the airline to charge you for one seat when you take up two. Don't protest the lack of jobs all day instead of looking hard for work. Don't blame your company for your unfair pay when its your choice to work there. Don't have eight children if you can't afford eight children. Don't speak another language, not bother to learn English, and expect our systems to cater to you. Don't play in the street and then sue someone for running you over. And if you do these things, please, just don't ask me to pay for you. And if you are asking your government to pay, you are asking me. I've struggled, I've failed, I've had my bank account at zero, I've been told I can't, that I'm not good enough, smart enough, man enough, tough enough. So I generally don't feel sorry for those who don't have real, unimaginable, heart breaking, struggle or misfortune.
My father's Country was personally responsible. They worked hard for what they had and only blamed themselves for what they didn't. They looked to themselves to achieve greater success and didn't expect it to be handed to them. We don't live by this motto anymore. We want to work less, take less risk, go through less pain and struggle, and get more. Its not a balanced scale and it will never ever work. We are headed down a path where the benefit of living in this country opposed to other's will shrink down to a nonexistent point. As someone who has so much pride in my country that is painful to admit.
So please please please quit your bitching, whining, irresponsible ways and give me my country back.
My father's country was the one who believed the USA was the most amazing country on the planet. Kind of thumped their chests and were in no way afraid to let the rest of the world know it. We weren't cocky. We really were just that good. Companies and people weren't made to feel as if they should apologize and be ashamed of their success and fortunes. "Millionaire" was an extremely prideful title which showed the world that you were smart, took the time to educate yourself, struggled, and worked your ass off to achieve the American Dream.
I want my father's country. The one which was happy to welcome you into the country, but believed in being American and expected you to assimilate. The country who didn't apologize but rather focused on being a world leader and protector. You didn't mess with my father's America. There would have been serious consequences. My father's America didn't sue McDonald's because they were fat. Back in the day if you were fat it was typically your fault.
The country I am left with is a meak minded, pride-in-country-less group. We apologize, and embarrass ourselves, looking weak to other countries for who we are and what we are about. We make it ok for people to live here for free and allow them to not even try to be American. Fat people are now "weight challenged". Blind people are "sight impaired". Hyper children are now labeled with a disorder. I don't understand why you need these labels to feel better about yourself. If you had self esteem in the first place you probably wouldn't give a shit what term people used anyway. If you're fat, I don't care, just own it please.
It brings me great pain to take a step back and really look at the America that was, the America that is, and freaks me out to think of the America that will be. I love this country so much and take pride in being a nationalist. Please stop ruining the greatest country to ever be developed. It took us so long to get here - to this point where we have equalities and the financial success. You are taking it all down in record time. What has taken hundreds of years to grow from great to best can be pulverized in a single generation.
There's one major change everyone needs to step back and review: personal responsibility. Don't eat your weight in doughnuts and expect the airline to charge you for one seat when you take up two. Don't protest the lack of jobs all day instead of looking hard for work. Don't blame your company for your unfair pay when its your choice to work there. Don't have eight children if you can't afford eight children. Don't speak another language, not bother to learn English, and expect our systems to cater to you. Don't play in the street and then sue someone for running you over. And if you do these things, please, just don't ask me to pay for you. And if you are asking your government to pay, you are asking me. I've struggled, I've failed, I've had my bank account at zero, I've been told I can't, that I'm not good enough, smart enough, man enough, tough enough. So I generally don't feel sorry for those who don't have real, unimaginable, heart breaking, struggle or misfortune.
My father's Country was personally responsible. They worked hard for what they had and only blamed themselves for what they didn't. They looked to themselves to achieve greater success and didn't expect it to be handed to them. We don't live by this motto anymore. We want to work less, take less risk, go through less pain and struggle, and get more. Its not a balanced scale and it will never ever work. We are headed down a path where the benefit of living in this country opposed to other's will shrink down to a nonexistent point. As someone who has so much pride in my country that is painful to admit.
So please please please quit your bitching, whining, irresponsible ways and give me my country back.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
To Self Doubt or Self Worth...that is the question
I pissed myself off last night. I have Hear my Heels post card hanging up in my closet. I think I've been avoiding reading it myself for a while. I read it last night and had to give myself the "you stupid, poor little pumpkin" head shake.
The message is about self doubt vs self worth. Its hard to take an honest look in the mirror when you believe you do have healthy self esteem yet letting yourself continue to be in such an emotionally frustrating position without standing up and putting your foot down. I believe in what I am worth. I know I am worth a man proposing to me because he is so desperately in love with me and just has to make me his because I'm so special. We should all believe that - every day.
So why do I have such a hard time figuring out what I'm supposed to do, when I'm supposed to stay, and when I'm supposed to throw in the towel? Its hard to admit, because in my head I always know what real love should look like, but vocalizing it and acting on it are completely different. The truth that pisses me off...there's a moment of self doubt there. It stops my mouth from saying "now or never" or "love me or leave me alone". Self doubt leads to the fear that what you are feeling is wrong. Its paralyzing. It leaves you in a state of ambivalence and doesn't do anyone any good.
I think, I hope I've shaken myself my the shoulders hard enough to stop that crap. I'm still not ready for a Hear my Heels moment. Thats not the direction I'm hoping for. However, I'm becoming ready to have that conversation and becoming confident that if I need and should have a Hear my Heels moment I can follow through.
For me this has come down to a basic need. The need to be with someone that loves me so much they feel compelled to commit to me. At some point during the course of the relationship you have to have that need fulfilled to be content. He will or he won't and I can't control that, and don't want to. But at the end of the day I do have the choice to make sure I'm being valued the way I want.
The message is about self doubt vs self worth. Its hard to take an honest look in the mirror when you believe you do have healthy self esteem yet letting yourself continue to be in such an emotionally frustrating position without standing up and putting your foot down. I believe in what I am worth. I know I am worth a man proposing to me because he is so desperately in love with me and just has to make me his because I'm so special. We should all believe that - every day.
So why do I have such a hard time figuring out what I'm supposed to do, when I'm supposed to stay, and when I'm supposed to throw in the towel? Its hard to admit, because in my head I always know what real love should look like, but vocalizing it and acting on it are completely different. The truth that pisses me off...there's a moment of self doubt there. It stops my mouth from saying "now or never" or "love me or leave me alone". Self doubt leads to the fear that what you are feeling is wrong. Its paralyzing. It leaves you in a state of ambivalence and doesn't do anyone any good.
I think, I hope I've shaken myself my the shoulders hard enough to stop that crap. I'm still not ready for a Hear my Heels moment. Thats not the direction I'm hoping for. However, I'm becoming ready to have that conversation and becoming confident that if I need and should have a Hear my Heels moment I can follow through.
For me this has come down to a basic need. The need to be with someone that loves me so much they feel compelled to commit to me. At some point during the course of the relationship you have to have that need fulfilled to be content. He will or he won't and I can't control that, and don't want to. But at the end of the day I do have the choice to make sure I'm being valued the way I want.
Attitude Adjustment
It is truly amazing how quickly you can change your outlook on life when you are fully ready to do so.
I came in to work today much more energized and content than has been normal over the past 6 months. Nothing changed about my job. It is still hard, complicated, often frustrating, and demands a great deal of my effort and time. It was my attitude and outlook on life in general.
I don't think my manager used to believe the massive amount of workload I had because I was always smiling, always had a can-do attitude, pleasant, and making witty comments even on the really rough days.
In the past 6 months, work has been tougher than normal as well, but it was my attitude which had changed. I was hitting and then hit 30 and I felt like my life was on a permanent spin cycle. Waiting, waiting, waiting, running around in circles hoping something would change. Admittedly I was a little zombie-ish. I wasn't working out as much, I wasn't seeing friends as much, I simply wasn't doing much "living".
Going back to live for me has already changed my attitude in a record two days. It surprised me today. I smiled, I was bubbly, and I wasn't glass half empty about my work. I was just genuinely happier and regained the calming sense that my life is going to be okay no matter what happens.
Instead of continuing to "wait" I will continue to do things that make me happy. It really serves two purposes. One, obviously, it makes me happy to do what I enjoy. Two it gives me my own space and time to become clear of mind. Lately my mind has just been a giant mud pit so that is really important. Any decisions I have to make either way I want to make logically and rationally, not out of emotional distress. I think that will help me conversationally as well. I need to be logical and rational and not be bursting into some sobbing BS about "ww w why d d d on't you lo o oove meeee". Yeah, rereading that sentence, I don't even want to hear it.
Happy Monday to all. Haven't felt super happy on a Monday in a while. Feels good to be getting my feet back under me...even if Debbie's ab blaster class almost made me throw up today. :-)
I came in to work today much more energized and content than has been normal over the past 6 months. Nothing changed about my job. It is still hard, complicated, often frustrating, and demands a great deal of my effort and time. It was my attitude and outlook on life in general.
I don't think my manager used to believe the massive amount of workload I had because I was always smiling, always had a can-do attitude, pleasant, and making witty comments even on the really rough days.
In the past 6 months, work has been tougher than normal as well, but it was my attitude which had changed. I was hitting and then hit 30 and I felt like my life was on a permanent spin cycle. Waiting, waiting, waiting, running around in circles hoping something would change. Admittedly I was a little zombie-ish. I wasn't working out as much, I wasn't seeing friends as much, I simply wasn't doing much "living".
Going back to live for me has already changed my attitude in a record two days. It surprised me today. I smiled, I was bubbly, and I wasn't glass half empty about my work. I was just genuinely happier and regained the calming sense that my life is going to be okay no matter what happens.
Instead of continuing to "wait" I will continue to do things that make me happy. It really serves two purposes. One, obviously, it makes me happy to do what I enjoy. Two it gives me my own space and time to become clear of mind. Lately my mind has just been a giant mud pit so that is really important. Any decisions I have to make either way I want to make logically and rationally, not out of emotional distress. I think that will help me conversationally as well. I need to be logical and rational and not be bursting into some sobbing BS about "ww w why d d d on't you lo o oove meeee". Yeah, rereading that sentence, I don't even want to hear it.
Happy Monday to all. Haven't felt super happy on a Monday in a while. Feels good to be getting my feet back under me...even if Debbie's ab blaster class almost made me throw up today. :-)
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Tired of hearing that I'm fat!
Day two of my mission to get back to living for me...
Why is it that every man, woman, and child feels like they are entitled to make comments about your relationship? When it comes to the time you've dated a guy it seems like a very personal topic that people you barely know feel comfortable commenting on. "You better tell him to shit or get off the pot." "Thats a rediculously long time - you need to walk." "Give him an ultimadum." "He obviously doesn't appreciate you." "No man that really loves you would make you wait this long."
Its fine when it comes from friends and you're out there looking for advice. But why do people I barely know at work, the random guy at the bar last night hitting on my friend, pretty much everyone feel like its cool to throw their opinion out? This is just as personal as some facial scar. If you wouldn't, or at least try not to, point and stare, this should have the same level of consideration.
I don't think guys get the amount of crap we get on an almost daily baises. It is like walking down the street and one day someone calls you fat. You think "screw you - I rock. I'm not fat. You're the one with the problem." The next day someone else calls you fat and you think "Wow there are a lot of ass holes this week. What the hell happened to them today?" But as time goes on and you hear people calling you fat, telling you in one way or another there is something wrong with your relationship, it starts to hurt. Then it starts to get really hard. You can have all the self esteem in the world, but if eventually the whole world is telling you you're fat, how could you be the one who's wrong?
I've been told I'm fat for a good two years at this point. In the past year people have made especially sure I know it frequently. You stop looking forward to nice dinners, holidays, and vacation, because you know Monday morning you face the firing squad. As if you weren't hoping with every fiber of your being for it to happen. STOP RUBBING IT IN AND GO BUG HIM. I wonder what men would do and how they would feel if around the two year mark several times a week someone reminded them there was something wrong with them because they'd hadn't proposed yet. Proposing is a big job. I can respect the pressure and stress that comes with having the ownership of creating or ending a couples future. But I think this is one more area where they get the better end of the stick. While the only thing we can control is walking or staying people constantly comment that I need to tell him "to shit or get off the pot". Really people, if I had mind control and could force people to do things, don't you think you'd hear about me finding really great and profitable ways to use my talents instead of posting a blog?
Thank you to my friends who listen, thank you to the friends whos advice I cherish. Everyone else - please go bug him not me. I don't need to hear one more time that I'm fat. I get it I need to diet. Now stop making fun of my rolls.
Why is it that every man, woman, and child feels like they are entitled to make comments about your relationship? When it comes to the time you've dated a guy it seems like a very personal topic that people you barely know feel comfortable commenting on. "You better tell him to shit or get off the pot." "Thats a rediculously long time - you need to walk." "Give him an ultimadum." "He obviously doesn't appreciate you." "No man that really loves you would make you wait this long."
Its fine when it comes from friends and you're out there looking for advice. But why do people I barely know at work, the random guy at the bar last night hitting on my friend, pretty much everyone feel like its cool to throw their opinion out? This is just as personal as some facial scar. If you wouldn't, or at least try not to, point and stare, this should have the same level of consideration.
I don't think guys get the amount of crap we get on an almost daily baises. It is like walking down the street and one day someone calls you fat. You think "screw you - I rock. I'm not fat. You're the one with the problem." The next day someone else calls you fat and you think "Wow there are a lot of ass holes this week. What the hell happened to them today?" But as time goes on and you hear people calling you fat, telling you in one way or another there is something wrong with your relationship, it starts to hurt. Then it starts to get really hard. You can have all the self esteem in the world, but if eventually the whole world is telling you you're fat, how could you be the one who's wrong?
I've been told I'm fat for a good two years at this point. In the past year people have made especially sure I know it frequently. You stop looking forward to nice dinners, holidays, and vacation, because you know Monday morning you face the firing squad. As if you weren't hoping with every fiber of your being for it to happen. STOP RUBBING IT IN AND GO BUG HIM. I wonder what men would do and how they would feel if around the two year mark several times a week someone reminded them there was something wrong with them because they'd hadn't proposed yet. Proposing is a big job. I can respect the pressure and stress that comes with having the ownership of creating or ending a couples future. But I think this is one more area where they get the better end of the stick. While the only thing we can control is walking or staying people constantly comment that I need to tell him "to shit or get off the pot". Really people, if I had mind control and could force people to do things, don't you think you'd hear about me finding really great and profitable ways to use my talents instead of posting a blog?
Thank you to my friends who listen, thank you to the friends whos advice I cherish. Everyone else - please go bug him not me. I don't need to hear one more time that I'm fat. I get it I need to diet. Now stop making fun of my rolls.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Feeling Rutty
Thank you for the inspiration to write again.
Its been almost two years since I've picked up my laptop to write. For a moment there I lost myself waiting. Waiting for the life I wanted to start, waiting for everything to work out as planed, waiting to hear the words I've wanted to hear. And while I waited, I lost myself a bit. I wasted time being sad, being hurt, angry, frustrated, a even a little depressed. But I started this blog out of personal strength and I have found it again. Nothing may change on the surface today, but today I take back my enjoyment of everyday life. Today I'm remembering my own slogan "Hear my Heels" and I'm done waiting for my "next chapter" to begin.
So today's post? Reinvention and getting out of a rut.
I've been in a rut. I'm defining "rut" as that waiting place you go where time speeds up while you are just sitting there still staring at the same corner of the wall. Its numbing, its cold, it lacks the colors life should carry. For me my rut has been sitting around waiting for my boyfriend of 4 years to propose to me. Last time it was sitting around in a horrible marriage that had no chance of being healthy or successful. This time I knew I was in a rut as I've started craving some dramatic life change. To quit my job and find a way to pay the bills making art. To convince my boyfriend we should just go down to the court house tomorrow and make our relationship official. Something, anything that would lift me up and make me feel like I wasn't standing still while life swarmed around me. But I can't do those things. I do have a mortgage to pay and I can't convince some one else to do as I'd wish them to do. Its funny though the formula for getting happy again is similar to the last time around. I have to go back to living for myself. I have to actively do something to break the pattern.
When I was married this was incredibly hard. I was under weight from being so stressed and completely numb to feeling hungry anymore. My size zero jeans were baggy. My eyes were sunken in from a year of no sleep, and I wasn't living in a safe environment. One day I finally made a decision to live again. I changed the music in my car. No more depressing poor me, sad love song crap. Club mixes, pop, and any kind of "happy" music replaced it. Not the best diet in the world, but I was so numb I'd forget to eat and not be getting anywhere close enough calories, so I added two candy bars a day to my diet. (Only part I really miss...) I focused more on my job. I hung out with friends more that I hadn't been seeing enough. I started lifting weights again. I willed myself out of depression. I forced myself to regain my mental strength so I could make a solid decision to leave and have the physical strength to fight back if I needed to.
When I left I went to a therapist for a few months to make sure I got my head back on straight. The power of believing in yourself and your value is amazing. She couldn't believe it herself, but despite what I'd been through, she kicked me out in three months time. I was smiling, I was optimistic, and I had developed a bracelet that made me feel empowered. It is amazing how empowering taking your life back can be.
This time its different and yet the same. This time I love him. This time he's a good man who could be a great partner. But on my end it has a lot of similarities. I've lost myself waiting for someone to love me back in the way I want to be loved and it hurts every single day. There isn't a day I don't wonder why after almost four years he hasn't felt the compulsion to propose. I feel as if he doesn't fear losing me at some point. I think that may hurt more. And I don't like admitting out loud what that could possibly mean. Maybe this just isn't right, he doesn't have a huge compulsion to propose yet and I need to realize "he's just not that into me". Maybe he's just not hearing me that I need to be involved in the conversation because I truly don't know where this is going, and maybe there is a real, concrete plan, and he's just slower to move on it than the average person. I may never know, but the point is that I can't control it, so it almost doesn't matter why if the result is me feeling like crap. It either will be or won't be but I can not sit around broken hearted, like a 16 yr old girl again, wishing and praying he'll love me back.
So it's time again to reinvent myself. I don't know what the end result is, but I have to trust the fact that I'm deserving and worth it and if he doesn't see my value someone else will. So today I start writing again. I start painting more and building in my wood shop more. I start not trying to be home every second he is because of our off schedules and go out with friends more. I'll either find a dance class or join a gym for nights and weekends where I can't get to the work gym. I love him, I'm not trying to leave him, but I need to get my life back and my head on straight.
Its hard to have a beginning when you have been hoping there will never be an ending. But either way reinvention is the only way to get the life I want. I want someone to love me so much they feel compelled to marry me, no matter what circumstances are around us. I don't want someone to "get around" to marrying me. I think we both deserve better than that.
As I reinvent myself I hope he follows. I hope he notices. I hope he cares that I'm slipping away. I think reinventing myself will not only make me happier in my daily life, but its going to give me the answer I really need at this point. I've done it before and I can do it again. ...and really I shouldn't be dishing out Hear my Heels bracelets and not taking my own advice :-)
Cheers to living a full life and finding passion every day.
Thanks to my friend for the encouragement and taking the time to get through to me.
Its been almost two years since I've picked up my laptop to write. For a moment there I lost myself waiting. Waiting for the life I wanted to start, waiting for everything to work out as planed, waiting to hear the words I've wanted to hear. And while I waited, I lost myself a bit. I wasted time being sad, being hurt, angry, frustrated, a even a little depressed. But I started this blog out of personal strength and I have found it again. Nothing may change on the surface today, but today I take back my enjoyment of everyday life. Today I'm remembering my own slogan "Hear my Heels" and I'm done waiting for my "next chapter" to begin.
So today's post? Reinvention and getting out of a rut.
I've been in a rut. I'm defining "rut" as that waiting place you go where time speeds up while you are just sitting there still staring at the same corner of the wall. Its numbing, its cold, it lacks the colors life should carry. For me my rut has been sitting around waiting for my boyfriend of 4 years to propose to me. Last time it was sitting around in a horrible marriage that had no chance of being healthy or successful. This time I knew I was in a rut as I've started craving some dramatic life change. To quit my job and find a way to pay the bills making art. To convince my boyfriend we should just go down to the court house tomorrow and make our relationship official. Something, anything that would lift me up and make me feel like I wasn't standing still while life swarmed around me. But I can't do those things. I do have a mortgage to pay and I can't convince some one else to do as I'd wish them to do. Its funny though the formula for getting happy again is similar to the last time around. I have to go back to living for myself. I have to actively do something to break the pattern.
When I was married this was incredibly hard. I was under weight from being so stressed and completely numb to feeling hungry anymore. My size zero jeans were baggy. My eyes were sunken in from a year of no sleep, and I wasn't living in a safe environment. One day I finally made a decision to live again. I changed the music in my car. No more depressing poor me, sad love song crap. Club mixes, pop, and any kind of "happy" music replaced it. Not the best diet in the world, but I was so numb I'd forget to eat and not be getting anywhere close enough calories, so I added two candy bars a day to my diet. (Only part I really miss...) I focused more on my job. I hung out with friends more that I hadn't been seeing enough. I started lifting weights again. I willed myself out of depression. I forced myself to regain my mental strength so I could make a solid decision to leave and have the physical strength to fight back if I needed to.
When I left I went to a therapist for a few months to make sure I got my head back on straight. The power of believing in yourself and your value is amazing. She couldn't believe it herself, but despite what I'd been through, she kicked me out in three months time. I was smiling, I was optimistic, and I had developed a bracelet that made me feel empowered. It is amazing how empowering taking your life back can be.
This time its different and yet the same. This time I love him. This time he's a good man who could be a great partner. But on my end it has a lot of similarities. I've lost myself waiting for someone to love me back in the way I want to be loved and it hurts every single day. There isn't a day I don't wonder why after almost four years he hasn't felt the compulsion to propose. I feel as if he doesn't fear losing me at some point. I think that may hurt more. And I don't like admitting out loud what that could possibly mean. Maybe this just isn't right, he doesn't have a huge compulsion to propose yet and I need to realize "he's just not that into me". Maybe he's just not hearing me that I need to be involved in the conversation because I truly don't know where this is going, and maybe there is a real, concrete plan, and he's just slower to move on it than the average person. I may never know, but the point is that I can't control it, so it almost doesn't matter why if the result is me feeling like crap. It either will be or won't be but I can not sit around broken hearted, like a 16 yr old girl again, wishing and praying he'll love me back.
So it's time again to reinvent myself. I don't know what the end result is, but I have to trust the fact that I'm deserving and worth it and if he doesn't see my value someone else will. So today I start writing again. I start painting more and building in my wood shop more. I start not trying to be home every second he is because of our off schedules and go out with friends more. I'll either find a dance class or join a gym for nights and weekends where I can't get to the work gym. I love him, I'm not trying to leave him, but I need to get my life back and my head on straight.
Its hard to have a beginning when you have been hoping there will never be an ending. But either way reinvention is the only way to get the life I want. I want someone to love me so much they feel compelled to marry me, no matter what circumstances are around us. I don't want someone to "get around" to marrying me. I think we both deserve better than that.
As I reinvent myself I hope he follows. I hope he notices. I hope he cares that I'm slipping away. I think reinventing myself will not only make me happier in my daily life, but its going to give me the answer I really need at this point. I've done it before and I can do it again. ...and really I shouldn't be dishing out Hear my Heels bracelets and not taking my own advice :-)
Cheers to living a full life and finding passion every day.
Thanks to my friend for the encouragement and taking the time to get through to me.
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