Dear 20 Year Old Me,
You are so far off of how your life is going to turn out there is absolutely no point trying to worry about it, and I would appreciate it if you don’t go off getting wrinkles stressing about it. You CAN NOT plan your life. The saying “life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.” …100% true.
Don’t freak out, but you are going to wake up one day 30 and single. No you aren’t damaged goods or some undatable mess. Its just life, luck, growth, and throw in a little of Murphy and his pain-in-the-ass, bite-you-in-the-butt-every-time Laws. Murphy’s an ass, but we can discuss that later.
I’m telling you not to freak out, because I know you can not imagine it now, but you are going to be really happy and content just as you are. Yup. I’m serious. You don’t actually need a man to be happy. Revelation huh?
You have no idea how much you are going to grow and change in your 20’s. At 30 you still have the same qualities of your distant 20 year old self. However you are going to develop new passions, new hobbies, and amazing friendships. And I know you won’t believe me now, but it won’t even give you anxiety to talk to strangers. I know you don’t believe me. I know you can’t see it now, but you will be so amazed how comfortable in your own skin you’ll become in the next 10 years.
You will develop the ability to walk away from relationships which aren’t right for you. Don’t be scared of starting over. I promise it will feel empowering and not lonely. Each time you stand up for yourself you’re going to walk away with a smile on your face. Just trust your gut. Your gut won’t lie to you even when others do.
So if I can give one piece of advice to you now… Please – just enjoy the ride. You worry too much about how your life will turn out and there’s really no need. Stop trying to plan something you can’t plan. Stop force fitting relationships, friendships, and yourself. Just do you. Try hard. Play hard. Find passions. Dance. Have confidence that your hard work, dedication to always trying to do the right thing, and your love for life will lead you in the right direction. Be you, enjoy you, and the world will come to your door.
You have no idea how many amazing possibilities are out there waiting for you. Be exicted. Its one hell of a ride…
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
Dangling Band aids
I read a study once concerning if the "pull the band aid off in one quick swoop" really was the best method for controlling pain or not. The study was conducted by a burn victim who often had to have most-of-body dressings changed which would rip at his skin. The nurses were always convinced that pulling the bandages off as quickly as possible was the best way to manage over all pain, and duration of pain. Its the band aid approach.
We all know this approach to be true with a little band aid, but does it apply to all pain? The study concluded that, no, the band aid approach was not universal. When dealing with big pain, opposed to small band aid pain, ripping the dressing off very slowly was the best approach. The over all pain felt was less with the slow removal for big pain. The real reason the nurses stuck to their guns that the band aid approach was best was they couldn't take the emotional pain of ripping it off slow and hearing and seeing, for such a long duration, how much they were hurting the patient.
I was thinking about this study today as I was looking at emotional pain. I just ended a four year relationship almost two weeks ago. I did a lot of reading before I broke it off trying to gather insight on the best way to end it for the other person's sake. What should you say, not say, how to help them get closure, etc.
It was the hardest, most painful, thing I have ever done. Hurting someone like that is miserable even when you know it is best for you. However, I followed all of the advice as best I could. I had the tough conversation and didn't run away from it. I had the second, even tougher, conversation with him the next day when it had absorbed a little more.
Unfortunately our break up was not mutual. Although I know for me my reasons are 100% valid and make an end to the relationship necessary, he did not and does not agree with any of my reasons. It is very very hard because he keeps coming back trying to when me over, trying to understand more, not thinking my reasons are valid and we should work on it.
As horrible as having to hurt him initially felt, I feel like I am still constantly ripping off a band aid on him day after day. I've stated my reasons, I've written to him my reasons in detail, however as much as you want to make the other person understand, the reality is, they were in a different relationship reality. They had a different experience, and no matter how my signals you gave that this train was approaching, they feel completely blind sided.
So I come to the point with my giant looming question. As he writes day after day trying to make it work, as he doesn't pack up because he still thinks there's hope, is it better with emotional pain to rip off the band aid once or continue ripping it off slowly?
The "one rip band aid approach" to me was what I did and am trying to do. I had the conversation in person twice. He still didn't understand so I wrote the detailed email explaining what lead me to this point. Now I feel like I have given him all the information I can possibly give him and the only other thing I could keep saying is "I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." So I believe it's best to stop the communication. I feel as if more communication is just ripping one more hair out of his arm as the band aid slowly rips. If I respond...will he ever understand, even though he doesn't agree, that it is over? I think it is meaner to respond at all which gives him some sort of hope that I'm still there.
The "slowly ripping the dressing approach" would be to continue communication for as long has he needs it. Its hard to put the shoe on the other foot, however I can't imagine this slow ripping sensation helps him. How many times can he stand hearing again and again "I'm sorry its over. I'm sorry this is what is right for me."
Possibly I am choosing my approach based on my personal pain tolerance and not what is best for him. I can't take punching him in the gut again and again. It seems so cruel. So what is worse? Getting an almost silent treatment after you've given all the information and answers you have to give? Or continuing to tell him all the reasons I don't want to be with him and keep pulling that band aid off one hair at a time?
I don't have any answers on this one...
We all know this approach to be true with a little band aid, but does it apply to all pain? The study concluded that, no, the band aid approach was not universal. When dealing with big pain, opposed to small band aid pain, ripping the dressing off very slowly was the best approach. The over all pain felt was less with the slow removal for big pain. The real reason the nurses stuck to their guns that the band aid approach was best was they couldn't take the emotional pain of ripping it off slow and hearing and seeing, for such a long duration, how much they were hurting the patient.
I was thinking about this study today as I was looking at emotional pain. I just ended a four year relationship almost two weeks ago. I did a lot of reading before I broke it off trying to gather insight on the best way to end it for the other person's sake. What should you say, not say, how to help them get closure, etc.
It was the hardest, most painful, thing I have ever done. Hurting someone like that is miserable even when you know it is best for you. However, I followed all of the advice as best I could. I had the tough conversation and didn't run away from it. I had the second, even tougher, conversation with him the next day when it had absorbed a little more.
Unfortunately our break up was not mutual. Although I know for me my reasons are 100% valid and make an end to the relationship necessary, he did not and does not agree with any of my reasons. It is very very hard because he keeps coming back trying to when me over, trying to understand more, not thinking my reasons are valid and we should work on it.
As horrible as having to hurt him initially felt, I feel like I am still constantly ripping off a band aid on him day after day. I've stated my reasons, I've written to him my reasons in detail, however as much as you want to make the other person understand, the reality is, they were in a different relationship reality. They had a different experience, and no matter how my signals you gave that this train was approaching, they feel completely blind sided.
So I come to the point with my giant looming question. As he writes day after day trying to make it work, as he doesn't pack up because he still thinks there's hope, is it better with emotional pain to rip off the band aid once or continue ripping it off slowly?
The "one rip band aid approach" to me was what I did and am trying to do. I had the conversation in person twice. He still didn't understand so I wrote the detailed email explaining what lead me to this point. Now I feel like I have given him all the information I can possibly give him and the only other thing I could keep saying is "I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." So I believe it's best to stop the communication. I feel as if more communication is just ripping one more hair out of his arm as the band aid slowly rips. If I respond...will he ever understand, even though he doesn't agree, that it is over? I think it is meaner to respond at all which gives him some sort of hope that I'm still there.
The "slowly ripping the dressing approach" would be to continue communication for as long has he needs it. Its hard to put the shoe on the other foot, however I can't imagine this slow ripping sensation helps him. How many times can he stand hearing again and again "I'm sorry its over. I'm sorry this is what is right for me."
Possibly I am choosing my approach based on my personal pain tolerance and not what is best for him. I can't take punching him in the gut again and again. It seems so cruel. So what is worse? Getting an almost silent treatment after you've given all the information and answers you have to give? Or continuing to tell him all the reasons I don't want to be with him and keep pulling that band aid off one hair at a time?
I don't have any answers on this one...
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Life Laughs When you Make Plans
“Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans…”
I don’t believe I’ve ever felt this saying before. That while I was planning my life away an entirely different life was presenting itself, right in front of me, while I was caught up in my own relationship drama.
I am still sad and still greiving how badly I hurt someone. However I have just finished the task of telling everyone who needed to know that it was over. The people around me have been so supportive and presented such amazing opportunities. I’m rekindeling friendships with some great friends I have seen much lately, there’s hope for future relationship success, and most things appear so happy and light.
This is the exact opposite of how I thought I would feel. I thought I would feel heavy and alone in the world. A little lost and taking too much time to bounce back and figure out what the heck I’m doing. I’m so thankful to be 30. Age, wisdom, life experience is finally serving its purpose.
So today, and only a week out of the worst, hardest conversation of my life here’s my glass half full…
I have discovered that 30 and single feels totally normal. It feels light and I don’t feel the rush and pressure of timelines.
My friends and family are AMAZING. As with my divorce I was surpised how quickly everyone rushed to support me no matter what I decided, and with very little explanation. This time, same thing, some how, even though most were shocked, their very first contact was to tell me they love me, are here for me, stand behind anything I decide, and lets meet up. Thank you all so much. I’m old enough that I don’t need the validation anymore, but it still feels nine million times better to recover on the wings of support.
There’s a friend who’s stepped forward…there may possibly be something really amazing with someone else.
I feel empowered. I can now say with 100% certainty I am no longer the woman who chose an abusive husband. My shit is together, I don’t settle, I don’t apologize for taking care of myself, and I feel deserving of the best life has to offer.
Happy Thursday all. …I think I’ve finally earned wearing my Hear my Heels bracelet again.
I don’t believe I’ve ever felt this saying before. That while I was planning my life away an entirely different life was presenting itself, right in front of me, while I was caught up in my own relationship drama.
I am still sad and still greiving how badly I hurt someone. However I have just finished the task of telling everyone who needed to know that it was over. The people around me have been so supportive and presented such amazing opportunities. I’m rekindeling friendships with some great friends I have seen much lately, there’s hope for future relationship success, and most things appear so happy and light.
This is the exact opposite of how I thought I would feel. I thought I would feel heavy and alone in the world. A little lost and taking too much time to bounce back and figure out what the heck I’m doing. I’m so thankful to be 30. Age, wisdom, life experience is finally serving its purpose.
So today, and only a week out of the worst, hardest conversation of my life here’s my glass half full…
I have discovered that 30 and single feels totally normal. It feels light and I don’t feel the rush and pressure of timelines.
My friends and family are AMAZING. As with my divorce I was surpised how quickly everyone rushed to support me no matter what I decided, and with very little explanation. This time, same thing, some how, even though most were shocked, their very first contact was to tell me they love me, are here for me, stand behind anything I decide, and lets meet up. Thank you all so much. I’m old enough that I don’t need the validation anymore, but it still feels nine million times better to recover on the wings of support.
There’s a friend who’s stepped forward…there may possibly be something really amazing with someone else.
I feel empowered. I can now say with 100% certainty I am no longer the woman who chose an abusive husband. My shit is together, I don’t settle, I don’t apologize for taking care of myself, and I feel deserving of the best life has to offer.
Happy Thursday all. …I think I’ve finally earned wearing my Hear my Heels bracelet again.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Mean is the Best Nice
There is nothing worse than the feeling of breaking something off with someone you care about, watching them go through that pain and knowing you were the cause of it. It makes me think a lot about what is the best thing I can do for him right now. What is best for me to do, how should I act to help him heal? ...Is being 'mean' the nicest thing you can do?
Emotions are not always rational. You do not turn from loving someone to hating them or wanting nothing to do with them just because they have hurt you. It makes it hard to figure out what the best way is to deal with a recent ex, especially when you know they are probably looking for any signs of hope that it may not be totally over.
When you get that "I just want you to know I miss you" text, how are you supposed to respond when you do care about that person however do not want to hurt them more by telling them you still care, giving them false hope?
It feels horrible to be 'mean'. To leave that text lingering without reciprocation...I know it doesn't make me a bad person for not feeling the same, but I sure feel like one. However, sometimes the nicest thing you can do in the long run is to be mean. Giving false hope only makes you so much meaner in the long run.
By 'mean' I am not saying to call your ex names or do something spiteful. Its about being honest. Especially when honest is going to really really hurt. If this is someone you care about you owe them gut wrenching honest. Sugar coating the break up is only leaving them confused for a longer period of time, not giving them closure and making it harder for them to figure out whats going on and eventually heal.
Being mean I do believe is the hardest thing I have ever done. I wish doing the right thing could feel better. I wish doing right by me didn't have to mean making someone else have the worst day of their life. That said, there is nothing truly meaner than only ripping half a band aid off and having it hang there pulling on your skin. Ripping it off in one solid motion is the only way to let the wound heal.
This is hard. I know it will pass, but even though this was the right and necessary path for me, being mean to be nice is the hardest most hurtful thing I've ever done.
Emotions are not always rational. You do not turn from loving someone to hating them or wanting nothing to do with them just because they have hurt you. It makes it hard to figure out what the best way is to deal with a recent ex, especially when you know they are probably looking for any signs of hope that it may not be totally over.
When you get that "I just want you to know I miss you" text, how are you supposed to respond when you do care about that person however do not want to hurt them more by telling them you still care, giving them false hope?
It feels horrible to be 'mean'. To leave that text lingering without reciprocation...I know it doesn't make me a bad person for not feeling the same, but I sure feel like one. However, sometimes the nicest thing you can do in the long run is to be mean. Giving false hope only makes you so much meaner in the long run.
By 'mean' I am not saying to call your ex names or do something spiteful. Its about being honest. Especially when honest is going to really really hurt. If this is someone you care about you owe them gut wrenching honest. Sugar coating the break up is only leaving them confused for a longer period of time, not giving them closure and making it harder for them to figure out whats going on and eventually heal.
Being mean I do believe is the hardest thing I have ever done. I wish doing the right thing could feel better. I wish doing right by me didn't have to mean making someone else have the worst day of their life. That said, there is nothing truly meaner than only ripping half a band aid off and having it hang there pulling on your skin. Ripping it off in one solid motion is the only way to let the wound heal.
This is hard. I know it will pass, but even though this was the right and necessary path for me, being mean to be nice is the hardest most hurtful thing I've ever done.
Monday, October 1, 2012
30 and Single
30 and single...wow. Had you asked me at 23 how I'd feel about 30 and single I would have freaked out. I would have thought I was such a fuck up and wondered what the hell became wrong with me in my 20s that this happened.
Maybe it hasn't set in yet, however 30 and single doesn't feel as horrible as I imagined it in my head. There's a big piece of me which feels empowered by it. Because I know, for me, it means I haven't settled. Saying 'no', making these decisions to go back out into the word on my own, feels brave instead of scary.
My 23 year old self can't imagine what a full life I have at single and 30. I am amazingly grateful for wonderful, supportive, crutch-when-I-need-them, friends. I'll have my own amazing house, a successful career, be comfortable my own skin and care very little what other people think about me.
I really expected to feel a real weight with single and 30. Lost dreams of family and children, and the lifestyle I thought I always wanted. I just don't feel that old though. The burden I expected to feel doesn't exist.
So 23 year old me, and 23 year old you... Stop worrying about how your life will turn out. You have absolutely zero control. Stop wishing that relationship to work because you can't stand the thought of dating again. Be bold, be single, be happy.
All I can tell you is whatever weight you expect to feel with not having found your ultimate life path at 30 doesn't exist. You are as young as you feel and when you believe in yourself and your worth, no one can stop you. So what you have to date again. Maybe you haven't experienced this yet, but I promise you, single and 30 is a MUCH better feeling than 25 and settling.
You deserve the life you want. Go after it and stop giving in to other people holding you back from greatness.
Maybe it hasn't set in yet, however 30 and single doesn't feel as horrible as I imagined it in my head. There's a big piece of me which feels empowered by it. Because I know, for me, it means I haven't settled. Saying 'no', making these decisions to go back out into the word on my own, feels brave instead of scary.
My 23 year old self can't imagine what a full life I have at single and 30. I am amazingly grateful for wonderful, supportive, crutch-when-I-need-them, friends. I'll have my own amazing house, a successful career, be comfortable my own skin and care very little what other people think about me.
I really expected to feel a real weight with single and 30. Lost dreams of family and children, and the lifestyle I thought I always wanted. I just don't feel that old though. The burden I expected to feel doesn't exist.
So 23 year old me, and 23 year old you... Stop worrying about how your life will turn out. You have absolutely zero control. Stop wishing that relationship to work because you can't stand the thought of dating again. Be bold, be single, be happy.
All I can tell you is whatever weight you expect to feel with not having found your ultimate life path at 30 doesn't exist. You are as young as you feel and when you believe in yourself and your worth, no one can stop you. So what you have to date again. Maybe you haven't experienced this yet, but I promise you, single and 30 is a MUCH better feeling than 25 and settling.
You deserve the life you want. Go after it and stop giving in to other people holding you back from greatness.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Being the Bad Guy
How will you feel when you knowingly cause someone to have the worst day of their life so far?
My boyfriend of four years proposed a month ago. I should have been thrilled, bragging about my ring, and ready to plan our life together. Unfortunately I felt none of those things. I was horrified at myself. I didn't want to talk about it. I changed the subject when people brought it up. I danced around it anytime my fiance asked about making wedding plans. I felt nothing but anxiety and my gut was pulling at me hard saying "no no no don't do it!"
He was a great guy. He tried his best to make me happy. He cooked me dinner, he was always respectful, and didn't have a mean bone in his body. People looked at us as the happy normal couple. So when I finally got everything I wanted why wasn't I just happy?
At first I felt like I was just a complete fuck up. Maybe I was too messed up from my divorce to accept real love. Maybe I was a self saboteur. Maybe I was such a stubborn ass I was just too pissed he made me wait so long. But none of those things were the truth.
The truth was the worst part. I've had someone say these words to me before and remember being completely blindsided. "I'm just not in love with you any more." Its too horrible to say to someone you care so much about. But it was true. While he was getting ready and planning over the years I felt more and more gotten around to. While at year four he was reaching the height of his love and ready to make a leap I was ready two years ago and coming down down down of the wings of love with disappointment, resentment, and pain in hand.
There are no words to describe how horrible it feels to rip some one's heart apart by saying those horrible words. ..."I fell out of love. I'm sorry but I can't marry you." I could not get him to understand a word of what I was saying as our experience of this relationship was so different over the past year. There was nothing I could do to make it better and ease his pain.
No sugar coating, when you rip the band aid off, it will be horrible and sad and you will feel like complete shit for doing it. Having just ripped the band aid off and telling him its over, I feel like nothing more than a horrible person. I know my friends will tell me it doesn't make me a horrible person, but right now, it doesn't matter. It feels the same when you are the direct cause of someone else being in so much pain.
Listening to him ask if we could try was horrible. I feel like such an asshole for telling him no, I'm done, no trying. I know I did that not just for me, but for him in the fact that it would just drag this out, however it still feels the same.
I am beside myself with how much pain I just caused him. I understand how he felt blindsided and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I just ripped the entire rug from under him.
I know no one takes pity on the person doing the dirty deed of ending a relationship, but wow did it suck. Right now I just hate myself for hurting him. I don't feel worthy of happiness, love, or much else that is pleasurable.
I really hope he finds his happy ending. He didn't deserve to have to go through this. No one should have to propose twice in their lifetime. I'm so sorry I took that first moment from him.
My boyfriend of four years proposed a month ago. I should have been thrilled, bragging about my ring, and ready to plan our life together. Unfortunately I felt none of those things. I was horrified at myself. I didn't want to talk about it. I changed the subject when people brought it up. I danced around it anytime my fiance asked about making wedding plans. I felt nothing but anxiety and my gut was pulling at me hard saying "no no no don't do it!"
He was a great guy. He tried his best to make me happy. He cooked me dinner, he was always respectful, and didn't have a mean bone in his body. People looked at us as the happy normal couple. So when I finally got everything I wanted why wasn't I just happy?
At first I felt like I was just a complete fuck up. Maybe I was too messed up from my divorce to accept real love. Maybe I was a self saboteur. Maybe I was such a stubborn ass I was just too pissed he made me wait so long. But none of those things were the truth.
The truth was the worst part. I've had someone say these words to me before and remember being completely blindsided. "I'm just not in love with you any more." Its too horrible to say to someone you care so much about. But it was true. While he was getting ready and planning over the years I felt more and more gotten around to. While at year four he was reaching the height of his love and ready to make a leap I was ready two years ago and coming down down down of the wings of love with disappointment, resentment, and pain in hand.
There are no words to describe how horrible it feels to rip some one's heart apart by saying those horrible words. ..."I fell out of love. I'm sorry but I can't marry you." I could not get him to understand a word of what I was saying as our experience of this relationship was so different over the past year. There was nothing I could do to make it better and ease his pain.
No sugar coating, when you rip the band aid off, it will be horrible and sad and you will feel like complete shit for doing it. Having just ripped the band aid off and telling him its over, I feel like nothing more than a horrible person. I know my friends will tell me it doesn't make me a horrible person, but right now, it doesn't matter. It feels the same when you are the direct cause of someone else being in so much pain.
Listening to him ask if we could try was horrible. I feel like such an asshole for telling him no, I'm done, no trying. I know I did that not just for me, but for him in the fact that it would just drag this out, however it still feels the same.
I am beside myself with how much pain I just caused him. I understand how he felt blindsided and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I just ripped the entire rug from under him.
I know no one takes pity on the person doing the dirty deed of ending a relationship, but wow did it suck. Right now I just hate myself for hurting him. I don't feel worthy of happiness, love, or much else that is pleasurable.
I really hope he finds his happy ending. He didn't deserve to have to go through this. No one should have to propose twice in their lifetime. I'm so sorry I took that first moment from him.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Table For One
I had a first today. I was in a situation where I needed to eat lunch alone and it was going to be the sole restaurant or go hungry. So I had lunch alone, and thoroughly enjoyed it.
The real phenomenon that you 20 somethings have to look forward to is how much more comfortable you are in your own skin at 30. I don't often have a need to go eat alone, however when I've had to on occasion as a 20 something I remember feeling very awkward sitting alone. Today I couldn't have cared less and actually enjoyed my lunch as I'm getting a rare day of solitude.
I don't think you realize how much you change in your 20's until you hit the next decade. It seems sometimes that when you graduate college and go off into the world you are supposed to just "know" and have everything figured out. You made your mistakes in college, you learned a lot about yourself, and you do have a sense that you now know what you want and what is right for you. What you don't realize is how much you are also going to screw up in your 20's, how much you will continue to learn about yourself, and what a different, much more confident person you will be at 30.
Let me use myself as an example to describe what I mean....
My 23 year old graduating college self: SHY, painfully shy unless I knew you. I had no idea how to make small talk, start conversations with strangers, and those situations caused me a great amount of stress. I didn't drink. I had never had more than a sip or two of anything. I wanted to get married right away and settle down. I wasn't confident with men. I didn't stand up for myself and have a sense of "screw you I don't need this shit". I wasn't a leader in the work place. Although I've always been confident with my intelligence I wasn't confident stating my opinion and arguing it. I write all of this and see although I thought at the time I was an extremely confident woman, I wasn't. I was a shy kid still trying to find my way and figure out the world.
My 30 year old self: I'm no longer shy. Seven years of corporate positions where I speak, email, and present to people internationally, at least eight hours a day, has finally kicked it out of me. Conversations with strangers don't bring me anxiety. I can talk for hours to someone I barely know, assuming I have some interest in whatever they are saying. I will only get married when the situation is dead on. I had a harder time walking away at 23 than I do now at 30. Sure there are stupid biological clocks going off, but I know myself and what I want and need. If I don't see it in front of me I'm able to make the tough decision to walk. I greatly enjoy a glass of wine at night. I stand up for myself. May it be the cable guy, a man, or someone at work, I trust my options, my intelligence, and stand for what I want. I'm not worried about other people liking me. I like me, if they don't, there are others who will. I feel comfortable with the history and tools at my disposal to make the right life decisions. I can sit at a table for one and just enjoy the view.
My advice to the 20 somethings is to use your time to explore the world around you. I don't mean quit your job and travel the world in la la land. I mean take the job you're scared you aren't qualified for. Don't be afraid to try on a lot of first dates which don't go anywhere and figure out if what you think you need is actually what you like. Try starting a business and fail brilliantly. Try another one and enjoy the ride and knowledge even if it fails too. This is the last point in life without sevear consequences. You can take the wrong job and still get a career back on track. You can try a different type of relationship on, decide you don't like it, and still have plenty of time to find someone. You can go broke trying to start a company and still recover without others depending on you.
Learn that feeling awkward can be the positive feeling of trying something new. Enjoy awkward knowing it won't always be. Take chances, not dangerous ones, but so so so many chances.
One day you will wake up at 30 and be so happy with how well you know yourself, like yourself, be so confident in the skills you have, and comfortable with the things you aren't so good at. One day you'll wake up and realize you're sitting at a table for one, and are enjoying the hell out of it.
The real phenomenon that you 20 somethings have to look forward to is how much more comfortable you are in your own skin at 30. I don't often have a need to go eat alone, however when I've had to on occasion as a 20 something I remember feeling very awkward sitting alone. Today I couldn't have cared less and actually enjoyed my lunch as I'm getting a rare day of solitude.
I don't think you realize how much you change in your 20's until you hit the next decade. It seems sometimes that when you graduate college and go off into the world you are supposed to just "know" and have everything figured out. You made your mistakes in college, you learned a lot about yourself, and you do have a sense that you now know what you want and what is right for you. What you don't realize is how much you are also going to screw up in your 20's, how much you will continue to learn about yourself, and what a different, much more confident person you will be at 30.
Let me use myself as an example to describe what I mean....
My 23 year old graduating college self: SHY, painfully shy unless I knew you. I had no idea how to make small talk, start conversations with strangers, and those situations caused me a great amount of stress. I didn't drink. I had never had more than a sip or two of anything. I wanted to get married right away and settle down. I wasn't confident with men. I didn't stand up for myself and have a sense of "screw you I don't need this shit". I wasn't a leader in the work place. Although I've always been confident with my intelligence I wasn't confident stating my opinion and arguing it. I write all of this and see although I thought at the time I was an extremely confident woman, I wasn't. I was a shy kid still trying to find my way and figure out the world.
My 30 year old self: I'm no longer shy. Seven years of corporate positions where I speak, email, and present to people internationally, at least eight hours a day, has finally kicked it out of me. Conversations with strangers don't bring me anxiety. I can talk for hours to someone I barely know, assuming I have some interest in whatever they are saying. I will only get married when the situation is dead on. I had a harder time walking away at 23 than I do now at 30. Sure there are stupid biological clocks going off, but I know myself and what I want and need. If I don't see it in front of me I'm able to make the tough decision to walk. I greatly enjoy a glass of wine at night. I stand up for myself. May it be the cable guy, a man, or someone at work, I trust my options, my intelligence, and stand for what I want. I'm not worried about other people liking me. I like me, if they don't, there are others who will. I feel comfortable with the history and tools at my disposal to make the right life decisions. I can sit at a table for one and just enjoy the view.
My advice to the 20 somethings is to use your time to explore the world around you. I don't mean quit your job and travel the world in la la land. I mean take the job you're scared you aren't qualified for. Don't be afraid to try on a lot of first dates which don't go anywhere and figure out if what you think you need is actually what you like. Try starting a business and fail brilliantly. Try another one and enjoy the ride and knowledge even if it fails too. This is the last point in life without sevear consequences. You can take the wrong job and still get a career back on track. You can try a different type of relationship on, decide you don't like it, and still have plenty of time to find someone. You can go broke trying to start a company and still recover without others depending on you.
Learn that feeling awkward can be the positive feeling of trying something new. Enjoy awkward knowing it won't always be. Take chances, not dangerous ones, but so so so many chances.
One day you will wake up at 30 and be so happy with how well you know yourself, like yourself, be so confident in the skills you have, and comfortable with the things you aren't so good at. One day you'll wake up and realize you're sitting at a table for one, and are enjoying the hell out of it.
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