I had a first today. I was in a situation where I needed to eat lunch alone and it was going to be the sole restaurant or go hungry. So I had lunch alone, and thoroughly enjoyed it.
The real phenomenon that you 20 somethings have to look forward to is how much more comfortable you are in your own skin at 30. I don't often have a need to go eat alone, however when I've had to on occasion as a 20 something I remember feeling very awkward sitting alone. Today I couldn't have cared less and actually enjoyed my lunch as I'm getting a rare day of solitude.
I don't think you realize how much you change in your 20's until you hit the next decade. It seems sometimes that when you graduate college and go off into the world you are supposed to just "know" and have everything figured out. You made your mistakes in college, you learned a lot about yourself, and you do have a sense that you now know what you want and what is right for you. What you don't realize is how much you are also going to screw up in your 20's, how much you will continue to learn about yourself, and what a different, much more confident person you will be at 30.
Let me use myself as an example to describe what I mean....
My 23 year old graduating college self: SHY, painfully shy unless I knew you. I had no idea how to make small talk, start conversations with strangers, and those situations caused me a great amount of stress. I didn't drink. I had never had more than a sip or two of anything. I wanted to get married right away and settle down. I wasn't confident with men. I didn't stand up for myself and have a sense of "screw you I don't need this shit". I wasn't a leader in the work place. Although I've always been confident with my intelligence I wasn't confident stating my opinion and arguing it. I write all of this and see although I thought at the time I was an extremely confident woman, I wasn't. I was a shy kid still trying to find my way and figure out the world.
My 30 year old self: I'm no longer shy. Seven years of corporate positions where I speak, email, and present to people internationally, at least eight hours a day, has finally kicked it out of me. Conversations with strangers don't bring me anxiety. I can talk for hours to someone I barely know, assuming I have some interest in whatever they are saying. I will only get married when the situation is dead on. I had a harder time walking away at 23 than I do now at 30. Sure there are stupid biological clocks going off, but I know myself and what I want and need. If I don't see it in front of me I'm able to make the tough decision to walk. I greatly enjoy a glass of wine at night. I stand up for myself. May it be the cable guy, a man, or someone at work, I trust my options, my intelligence, and stand for what I want. I'm not worried about other people liking me. I like me, if they don't, there are others who will. I feel comfortable with the history and tools at my disposal to make the right life decisions. I can sit at a table for one and just enjoy the view.
My advice to the 20 somethings is to use your time to explore the world around you. I don't mean quit your job and travel the world in la la land. I mean take the job you're scared you aren't qualified for. Don't be afraid to try on a lot of first dates which don't go anywhere and figure out if what you think you need is actually what you like. Try starting a business and fail brilliantly. Try another one and enjoy the ride and knowledge even if it fails too. This is the last point in life without sevear consequences. You can take the wrong job and still get a career back on track. You can try a different type of relationship on, decide you don't like it, and still have plenty of time to find someone. You can go broke trying to start a company and still recover without others depending on you.
Learn that feeling awkward can be the positive feeling of trying something new. Enjoy awkward knowing it won't always be. Take chances, not dangerous ones, but so so so many chances.
One day you will wake up at 30 and be so happy with how well you know yourself, like yourself, be so confident in the skills you have, and comfortable with the things you aren't so good at. One day you'll wake up and realize you're sitting at a table for one, and are enjoying the hell out of it.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Only Mr. Forever "Won't Give up"
The perfect marriage proposal by Jason Mraz:
"I Won't Give Up"
When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.
I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
What gets me about the song is the understanding you are walking into something knowing it's not always going to be rainbows and sunshine and being ready for the work, patience, and growth because you love that person so so much.
I think many people walk towards marriage thinking its going to solve something. Thinking it will do something to enhance their relationship and dissolve issues. And especially in women, when they decide they are ready to marry, shove the logic out the window of "is this relationship right?" "Is this man right for me?"
I think we could afford to take a cue from men on this one. Yup...I said it. No matter what point they are in the dating stage, they generally don't move forward until they've fully considered the relationship, its characteristics, and if it is the right relationship to move forward. I think some times for women after the "I love you's" have been exchanged we stop looking and qualifying our partner. We go in to la la love land and forget to keep going back in, taking an honest look, and thinking hard about "is this situation, person, relationship right for me in the end?" "Should I even be saying yes if he asks?"
Biology has screwed us quite a bit clogging our heads with deadlines for families. However, how many relationships have you had, which ended, and you thought to yourself later, "why the hell did I date him so long?" I remember doing this in college. I dated a guy for a yr and a half. He lived in the apartment below me. I was IN the relationship. Being so close the people in our apartments were all good friends, we all did everything together, and we saw each other every day never even needed to have a fight about a drawer or key since everything of your own was right there. We exchanged "I love you's", we even talked about marriage a few times like it was something we wanted in the future. I think one day he woke up in went "whoa - what are we doing? I'm not really that into this". I cried my eyes out because I didn't see it coming. However, within 48 hrs I was shaking my head at myself thinking "Why the heck did I date him so long? I don't really like him that much." 48 hrs of clearing my head was all I needed to come to the same conclusion he did. Scary.
My point is this, and a lot of us ladies do it... We get so wrapped up in our relationships, we get so wrapped up in this fantasy of the future we stop qualifying the person we are with.
No one is ever going to say those Jason Mraz words to us if we are busy being "lost" in love with Mr. Now instead of qualifying Mr. Now, deciding if Mr. Now is right, and moving on to go look for Mr. Forever if he isn't.
To get to the marriage which lasts a life time and doesn't end in despair we need to qualify more. We need to trust that we are amazing and Mr. Forever will find us. But if we keep hanging around with Mr. Now and not qualifying him, we may have met Mr. Forever on the street, who didn't ask us out because we aren't single right now.
Do you want an average to crappy happyish life with someone, or would you rather risk being single to find someone whos going to love you so hard he'll stick through everything with you? ...so simple on paper. Don't let biology or external pressures get in the way of getting everything you deserve out of life. Have faith that what you desire is rational and reasonable, you deserve it, and go after it.
Happy Thursday...thank God this week is almost over.
"I Won't Give Up"
When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.
I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
What gets me about the song is the understanding you are walking into something knowing it's not always going to be rainbows and sunshine and being ready for the work, patience, and growth because you love that person so so much.
I think many people walk towards marriage thinking its going to solve something. Thinking it will do something to enhance their relationship and dissolve issues. And especially in women, when they decide they are ready to marry, shove the logic out the window of "is this relationship right?" "Is this man right for me?"
I think we could afford to take a cue from men on this one. Yup...I said it. No matter what point they are in the dating stage, they generally don't move forward until they've fully considered the relationship, its characteristics, and if it is the right relationship to move forward. I think some times for women after the "I love you's" have been exchanged we stop looking and qualifying our partner. We go in to la la love land and forget to keep going back in, taking an honest look, and thinking hard about "is this situation, person, relationship right for me in the end?" "Should I even be saying yes if he asks?"
Biology has screwed us quite a bit clogging our heads with deadlines for families. However, how many relationships have you had, which ended, and you thought to yourself later, "why the hell did I date him so long?" I remember doing this in college. I dated a guy for a yr and a half. He lived in the apartment below me. I was IN the relationship. Being so close the people in our apartments were all good friends, we all did everything together, and we saw each other every day never even needed to have a fight about a drawer or key since everything of your own was right there. We exchanged "I love you's", we even talked about marriage a few times like it was something we wanted in the future. I think one day he woke up in went "whoa - what are we doing? I'm not really that into this". I cried my eyes out because I didn't see it coming. However, within 48 hrs I was shaking my head at myself thinking "Why the heck did I date him so long? I don't really like him that much." 48 hrs of clearing my head was all I needed to come to the same conclusion he did. Scary.
My point is this, and a lot of us ladies do it... We get so wrapped up in our relationships, we get so wrapped up in this fantasy of the future we stop qualifying the person we are with.
No one is ever going to say those Jason Mraz words to us if we are busy being "lost" in love with Mr. Now instead of qualifying Mr. Now, deciding if Mr. Now is right, and moving on to go look for Mr. Forever if he isn't.
To get to the marriage which lasts a life time and doesn't end in despair we need to qualify more. We need to trust that we are amazing and Mr. Forever will find us. But if we keep hanging around with Mr. Now and not qualifying him, we may have met Mr. Forever on the street, who didn't ask us out because we aren't single right now.
Do you want an average to crappy happyish life with someone, or would you rather risk being single to find someone whos going to love you so hard he'll stick through everything with you? ...so simple on paper. Don't let biology or external pressures get in the way of getting everything you deserve out of life. Have faith that what you desire is rational and reasonable, you deserve it, and go after it.
Happy Thursday...thank God this week is almost over.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Not my Father's Country
One of the parts I love about getting older is developing a deeper understanding of the world around me, politics, economic history, and engaging in debate about it all. Knowing is also frustrating because the current reality in this country is just down right scary. From the top and from the bottom the people are not what they used to be. This is truly a different time. This is not my father's country.
My father's country was the one who believed the USA was the most amazing country on the planet. Kind of thumped their chests and were in no way afraid to let the rest of the world know it. We weren't cocky. We really were just that good. Companies and people weren't made to feel as if they should apologize and be ashamed of their success and fortunes. "Millionaire" was an extremely prideful title which showed the world that you were smart, took the time to educate yourself, struggled, and worked your ass off to achieve the American Dream.
I want my father's country. The one which was happy to welcome you into the country, but believed in being American and expected you to assimilate. The country who didn't apologize but rather focused on being a world leader and protector. You didn't mess with my father's America. There would have been serious consequences. My father's America didn't sue McDonald's because they were fat. Back in the day if you were fat it was typically your fault.
The country I am left with is a meak minded, pride-in-country-less group. We apologize, and embarrass ourselves, looking weak to other countries for who we are and what we are about. We make it ok for people to live here for free and allow them to not even try to be American. Fat people are now "weight challenged". Blind people are "sight impaired". Hyper children are now labeled with a disorder. I don't understand why you need these labels to feel better about yourself. If you had self esteem in the first place you probably wouldn't give a shit what term people used anyway. If you're fat, I don't care, just own it please.
It brings me great pain to take a step back and really look at the America that was, the America that is, and freaks me out to think of the America that will be. I love this country so much and take pride in being a nationalist. Please stop ruining the greatest country to ever be developed. It took us so long to get here - to this point where we have equalities and the financial success. You are taking it all down in record time. What has taken hundreds of years to grow from great to best can be pulverized in a single generation.
There's one major change everyone needs to step back and review: personal responsibility. Don't eat your weight in doughnuts and expect the airline to charge you for one seat when you take up two. Don't protest the lack of jobs all day instead of looking hard for work. Don't blame your company for your unfair pay when its your choice to work there. Don't have eight children if you can't afford eight children. Don't speak another language, not bother to learn English, and expect our systems to cater to you. Don't play in the street and then sue someone for running you over. And if you do these things, please, just don't ask me to pay for you. And if you are asking your government to pay, you are asking me. I've struggled, I've failed, I've had my bank account at zero, I've been told I can't, that I'm not good enough, smart enough, man enough, tough enough. So I generally don't feel sorry for those who don't have real, unimaginable, heart breaking, struggle or misfortune.
My father's Country was personally responsible. They worked hard for what they had and only blamed themselves for what they didn't. They looked to themselves to achieve greater success and didn't expect it to be handed to them. We don't live by this motto anymore. We want to work less, take less risk, go through less pain and struggle, and get more. Its not a balanced scale and it will never ever work. We are headed down a path where the benefit of living in this country opposed to other's will shrink down to a nonexistent point. As someone who has so much pride in my country that is painful to admit.
So please please please quit your bitching, whining, irresponsible ways and give me my country back.
My father's country was the one who believed the USA was the most amazing country on the planet. Kind of thumped their chests and were in no way afraid to let the rest of the world know it. We weren't cocky. We really were just that good. Companies and people weren't made to feel as if they should apologize and be ashamed of their success and fortunes. "Millionaire" was an extremely prideful title which showed the world that you were smart, took the time to educate yourself, struggled, and worked your ass off to achieve the American Dream.
I want my father's country. The one which was happy to welcome you into the country, but believed in being American and expected you to assimilate. The country who didn't apologize but rather focused on being a world leader and protector. You didn't mess with my father's America. There would have been serious consequences. My father's America didn't sue McDonald's because they were fat. Back in the day if you were fat it was typically your fault.
The country I am left with is a meak minded, pride-in-country-less group. We apologize, and embarrass ourselves, looking weak to other countries for who we are and what we are about. We make it ok for people to live here for free and allow them to not even try to be American. Fat people are now "weight challenged". Blind people are "sight impaired". Hyper children are now labeled with a disorder. I don't understand why you need these labels to feel better about yourself. If you had self esteem in the first place you probably wouldn't give a shit what term people used anyway. If you're fat, I don't care, just own it please.
It brings me great pain to take a step back and really look at the America that was, the America that is, and freaks me out to think of the America that will be. I love this country so much and take pride in being a nationalist. Please stop ruining the greatest country to ever be developed. It took us so long to get here - to this point where we have equalities and the financial success. You are taking it all down in record time. What has taken hundreds of years to grow from great to best can be pulverized in a single generation.
There's one major change everyone needs to step back and review: personal responsibility. Don't eat your weight in doughnuts and expect the airline to charge you for one seat when you take up two. Don't protest the lack of jobs all day instead of looking hard for work. Don't blame your company for your unfair pay when its your choice to work there. Don't have eight children if you can't afford eight children. Don't speak another language, not bother to learn English, and expect our systems to cater to you. Don't play in the street and then sue someone for running you over. And if you do these things, please, just don't ask me to pay for you. And if you are asking your government to pay, you are asking me. I've struggled, I've failed, I've had my bank account at zero, I've been told I can't, that I'm not good enough, smart enough, man enough, tough enough. So I generally don't feel sorry for those who don't have real, unimaginable, heart breaking, struggle or misfortune.
My father's Country was personally responsible. They worked hard for what they had and only blamed themselves for what they didn't. They looked to themselves to achieve greater success and didn't expect it to be handed to them. We don't live by this motto anymore. We want to work less, take less risk, go through less pain and struggle, and get more. Its not a balanced scale and it will never ever work. We are headed down a path where the benefit of living in this country opposed to other's will shrink down to a nonexistent point. As someone who has so much pride in my country that is painful to admit.
So please please please quit your bitching, whining, irresponsible ways and give me my country back.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
To Self Doubt or Self Worth...that is the question
I pissed myself off last night. I have Hear my Heels post card hanging up in my closet. I think I've been avoiding reading it myself for a while. I read it last night and had to give myself the "you stupid, poor little pumpkin" head shake.
The message is about self doubt vs self worth. Its hard to take an honest look in the mirror when you believe you do have healthy self esteem yet letting yourself continue to be in such an emotionally frustrating position without standing up and putting your foot down. I believe in what I am worth. I know I am worth a man proposing to me because he is so desperately in love with me and just has to make me his because I'm so special. We should all believe that - every day.
So why do I have such a hard time figuring out what I'm supposed to do, when I'm supposed to stay, and when I'm supposed to throw in the towel? Its hard to admit, because in my head I always know what real love should look like, but vocalizing it and acting on it are completely different. The truth that pisses me off...there's a moment of self doubt there. It stops my mouth from saying "now or never" or "love me or leave me alone". Self doubt leads to the fear that what you are feeling is wrong. Its paralyzing. It leaves you in a state of ambivalence and doesn't do anyone any good.
I think, I hope I've shaken myself my the shoulders hard enough to stop that crap. I'm still not ready for a Hear my Heels moment. Thats not the direction I'm hoping for. However, I'm becoming ready to have that conversation and becoming confident that if I need and should have a Hear my Heels moment I can follow through.
For me this has come down to a basic need. The need to be with someone that loves me so much they feel compelled to commit to me. At some point during the course of the relationship you have to have that need fulfilled to be content. He will or he won't and I can't control that, and don't want to. But at the end of the day I do have the choice to make sure I'm being valued the way I want.
The message is about self doubt vs self worth. Its hard to take an honest look in the mirror when you believe you do have healthy self esteem yet letting yourself continue to be in such an emotionally frustrating position without standing up and putting your foot down. I believe in what I am worth. I know I am worth a man proposing to me because he is so desperately in love with me and just has to make me his because I'm so special. We should all believe that - every day.
So why do I have such a hard time figuring out what I'm supposed to do, when I'm supposed to stay, and when I'm supposed to throw in the towel? Its hard to admit, because in my head I always know what real love should look like, but vocalizing it and acting on it are completely different. The truth that pisses me off...there's a moment of self doubt there. It stops my mouth from saying "now or never" or "love me or leave me alone". Self doubt leads to the fear that what you are feeling is wrong. Its paralyzing. It leaves you in a state of ambivalence and doesn't do anyone any good.
I think, I hope I've shaken myself my the shoulders hard enough to stop that crap. I'm still not ready for a Hear my Heels moment. Thats not the direction I'm hoping for. However, I'm becoming ready to have that conversation and becoming confident that if I need and should have a Hear my Heels moment I can follow through.
For me this has come down to a basic need. The need to be with someone that loves me so much they feel compelled to commit to me. At some point during the course of the relationship you have to have that need fulfilled to be content. He will or he won't and I can't control that, and don't want to. But at the end of the day I do have the choice to make sure I'm being valued the way I want.
Attitude Adjustment
It is truly amazing how quickly you can change your outlook on life when you are fully ready to do so.
I came in to work today much more energized and content than has been normal over the past 6 months. Nothing changed about my job. It is still hard, complicated, often frustrating, and demands a great deal of my effort and time. It was my attitude and outlook on life in general.
I don't think my manager used to believe the massive amount of workload I had because I was always smiling, always had a can-do attitude, pleasant, and making witty comments even on the really rough days.
In the past 6 months, work has been tougher than normal as well, but it was my attitude which had changed. I was hitting and then hit 30 and I felt like my life was on a permanent spin cycle. Waiting, waiting, waiting, running around in circles hoping something would change. Admittedly I was a little zombie-ish. I wasn't working out as much, I wasn't seeing friends as much, I simply wasn't doing much "living".
Going back to live for me has already changed my attitude in a record two days. It surprised me today. I smiled, I was bubbly, and I wasn't glass half empty about my work. I was just genuinely happier and regained the calming sense that my life is going to be okay no matter what happens.
Instead of continuing to "wait" I will continue to do things that make me happy. It really serves two purposes. One, obviously, it makes me happy to do what I enjoy. Two it gives me my own space and time to become clear of mind. Lately my mind has just been a giant mud pit so that is really important. Any decisions I have to make either way I want to make logically and rationally, not out of emotional distress. I think that will help me conversationally as well. I need to be logical and rational and not be bursting into some sobbing BS about "ww w why d d d on't you lo o oove meeee". Yeah, rereading that sentence, I don't even want to hear it.
Happy Monday to all. Haven't felt super happy on a Monday in a while. Feels good to be getting my feet back under me...even if Debbie's ab blaster class almost made me throw up today. :-)
I came in to work today much more energized and content than has been normal over the past 6 months. Nothing changed about my job. It is still hard, complicated, often frustrating, and demands a great deal of my effort and time. It was my attitude and outlook on life in general.
I don't think my manager used to believe the massive amount of workload I had because I was always smiling, always had a can-do attitude, pleasant, and making witty comments even on the really rough days.
In the past 6 months, work has been tougher than normal as well, but it was my attitude which had changed. I was hitting and then hit 30 and I felt like my life was on a permanent spin cycle. Waiting, waiting, waiting, running around in circles hoping something would change. Admittedly I was a little zombie-ish. I wasn't working out as much, I wasn't seeing friends as much, I simply wasn't doing much "living".
Going back to live for me has already changed my attitude in a record two days. It surprised me today. I smiled, I was bubbly, and I wasn't glass half empty about my work. I was just genuinely happier and regained the calming sense that my life is going to be okay no matter what happens.
Instead of continuing to "wait" I will continue to do things that make me happy. It really serves two purposes. One, obviously, it makes me happy to do what I enjoy. Two it gives me my own space and time to become clear of mind. Lately my mind has just been a giant mud pit so that is really important. Any decisions I have to make either way I want to make logically and rationally, not out of emotional distress. I think that will help me conversationally as well. I need to be logical and rational and not be bursting into some sobbing BS about "ww w why d d d on't you lo o oove meeee". Yeah, rereading that sentence, I don't even want to hear it.
Happy Monday to all. Haven't felt super happy on a Monday in a while. Feels good to be getting my feet back under me...even if Debbie's ab blaster class almost made me throw up today. :-)
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Tired of hearing that I'm fat!
Day two of my mission to get back to living for me...
Why is it that every man, woman, and child feels like they are entitled to make comments about your relationship? When it comes to the time you've dated a guy it seems like a very personal topic that people you barely know feel comfortable commenting on. "You better tell him to shit or get off the pot." "Thats a rediculously long time - you need to walk." "Give him an ultimadum." "He obviously doesn't appreciate you." "No man that really loves you would make you wait this long."
Its fine when it comes from friends and you're out there looking for advice. But why do people I barely know at work, the random guy at the bar last night hitting on my friend, pretty much everyone feel like its cool to throw their opinion out? This is just as personal as some facial scar. If you wouldn't, or at least try not to, point and stare, this should have the same level of consideration.
I don't think guys get the amount of crap we get on an almost daily baises. It is like walking down the street and one day someone calls you fat. You think "screw you - I rock. I'm not fat. You're the one with the problem." The next day someone else calls you fat and you think "Wow there are a lot of ass holes this week. What the hell happened to them today?" But as time goes on and you hear people calling you fat, telling you in one way or another there is something wrong with your relationship, it starts to hurt. Then it starts to get really hard. You can have all the self esteem in the world, but if eventually the whole world is telling you you're fat, how could you be the one who's wrong?
I've been told I'm fat for a good two years at this point. In the past year people have made especially sure I know it frequently. You stop looking forward to nice dinners, holidays, and vacation, because you know Monday morning you face the firing squad. As if you weren't hoping with every fiber of your being for it to happen. STOP RUBBING IT IN AND GO BUG HIM. I wonder what men would do and how they would feel if around the two year mark several times a week someone reminded them there was something wrong with them because they'd hadn't proposed yet. Proposing is a big job. I can respect the pressure and stress that comes with having the ownership of creating or ending a couples future. But I think this is one more area where they get the better end of the stick. While the only thing we can control is walking or staying people constantly comment that I need to tell him "to shit or get off the pot". Really people, if I had mind control and could force people to do things, don't you think you'd hear about me finding really great and profitable ways to use my talents instead of posting a blog?
Thank you to my friends who listen, thank you to the friends whos advice I cherish. Everyone else - please go bug him not me. I don't need to hear one more time that I'm fat. I get it I need to diet. Now stop making fun of my rolls.
Why is it that every man, woman, and child feels like they are entitled to make comments about your relationship? When it comes to the time you've dated a guy it seems like a very personal topic that people you barely know feel comfortable commenting on. "You better tell him to shit or get off the pot." "Thats a rediculously long time - you need to walk." "Give him an ultimadum." "He obviously doesn't appreciate you." "No man that really loves you would make you wait this long."
Its fine when it comes from friends and you're out there looking for advice. But why do people I barely know at work, the random guy at the bar last night hitting on my friend, pretty much everyone feel like its cool to throw their opinion out? This is just as personal as some facial scar. If you wouldn't, or at least try not to, point and stare, this should have the same level of consideration.
I don't think guys get the amount of crap we get on an almost daily baises. It is like walking down the street and one day someone calls you fat. You think "screw you - I rock. I'm not fat. You're the one with the problem." The next day someone else calls you fat and you think "Wow there are a lot of ass holes this week. What the hell happened to them today?" But as time goes on and you hear people calling you fat, telling you in one way or another there is something wrong with your relationship, it starts to hurt. Then it starts to get really hard. You can have all the self esteem in the world, but if eventually the whole world is telling you you're fat, how could you be the one who's wrong?
I've been told I'm fat for a good two years at this point. In the past year people have made especially sure I know it frequently. You stop looking forward to nice dinners, holidays, and vacation, because you know Monday morning you face the firing squad. As if you weren't hoping with every fiber of your being for it to happen. STOP RUBBING IT IN AND GO BUG HIM. I wonder what men would do and how they would feel if around the two year mark several times a week someone reminded them there was something wrong with them because they'd hadn't proposed yet. Proposing is a big job. I can respect the pressure and stress that comes with having the ownership of creating or ending a couples future. But I think this is one more area where they get the better end of the stick. While the only thing we can control is walking or staying people constantly comment that I need to tell him "to shit or get off the pot". Really people, if I had mind control and could force people to do things, don't you think you'd hear about me finding really great and profitable ways to use my talents instead of posting a blog?
Thank you to my friends who listen, thank you to the friends whos advice I cherish. Everyone else - please go bug him not me. I don't need to hear one more time that I'm fat. I get it I need to diet. Now stop making fun of my rolls.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Feeling Rutty
Thank you for the inspiration to write again.
Its been almost two years since I've picked up my laptop to write. For a moment there I lost myself waiting. Waiting for the life I wanted to start, waiting for everything to work out as planed, waiting to hear the words I've wanted to hear. And while I waited, I lost myself a bit. I wasted time being sad, being hurt, angry, frustrated, a even a little depressed. But I started this blog out of personal strength and I have found it again. Nothing may change on the surface today, but today I take back my enjoyment of everyday life. Today I'm remembering my own slogan "Hear my Heels" and I'm done waiting for my "next chapter" to begin.
So today's post? Reinvention and getting out of a rut.
I've been in a rut. I'm defining "rut" as that waiting place you go where time speeds up while you are just sitting there still staring at the same corner of the wall. Its numbing, its cold, it lacks the colors life should carry. For me my rut has been sitting around waiting for my boyfriend of 4 years to propose to me. Last time it was sitting around in a horrible marriage that had no chance of being healthy or successful. This time I knew I was in a rut as I've started craving some dramatic life change. To quit my job and find a way to pay the bills making art. To convince my boyfriend we should just go down to the court house tomorrow and make our relationship official. Something, anything that would lift me up and make me feel like I wasn't standing still while life swarmed around me. But I can't do those things. I do have a mortgage to pay and I can't convince some one else to do as I'd wish them to do. Its funny though the formula for getting happy again is similar to the last time around. I have to go back to living for myself. I have to actively do something to break the pattern.
When I was married this was incredibly hard. I was under weight from being so stressed and completely numb to feeling hungry anymore. My size zero jeans were baggy. My eyes were sunken in from a year of no sleep, and I wasn't living in a safe environment. One day I finally made a decision to live again. I changed the music in my car. No more depressing poor me, sad love song crap. Club mixes, pop, and any kind of "happy" music replaced it. Not the best diet in the world, but I was so numb I'd forget to eat and not be getting anywhere close enough calories, so I added two candy bars a day to my diet. (Only part I really miss...) I focused more on my job. I hung out with friends more that I hadn't been seeing enough. I started lifting weights again. I willed myself out of depression. I forced myself to regain my mental strength so I could make a solid decision to leave and have the physical strength to fight back if I needed to.
When I left I went to a therapist for a few months to make sure I got my head back on straight. The power of believing in yourself and your value is amazing. She couldn't believe it herself, but despite what I'd been through, she kicked me out in three months time. I was smiling, I was optimistic, and I had developed a bracelet that made me feel empowered. It is amazing how empowering taking your life back can be.
This time its different and yet the same. This time I love him. This time he's a good man who could be a great partner. But on my end it has a lot of similarities. I've lost myself waiting for someone to love me back in the way I want to be loved and it hurts every single day. There isn't a day I don't wonder why after almost four years he hasn't felt the compulsion to propose. I feel as if he doesn't fear losing me at some point. I think that may hurt more. And I don't like admitting out loud what that could possibly mean. Maybe this just isn't right, he doesn't have a huge compulsion to propose yet and I need to realize "he's just not that into me". Maybe he's just not hearing me that I need to be involved in the conversation because I truly don't know where this is going, and maybe there is a real, concrete plan, and he's just slower to move on it than the average person. I may never know, but the point is that I can't control it, so it almost doesn't matter why if the result is me feeling like crap. It either will be or won't be but I can not sit around broken hearted, like a 16 yr old girl again, wishing and praying he'll love me back.
So it's time again to reinvent myself. I don't know what the end result is, but I have to trust the fact that I'm deserving and worth it and if he doesn't see my value someone else will. So today I start writing again. I start painting more and building in my wood shop more. I start not trying to be home every second he is because of our off schedules and go out with friends more. I'll either find a dance class or join a gym for nights and weekends where I can't get to the work gym. I love him, I'm not trying to leave him, but I need to get my life back and my head on straight.
Its hard to have a beginning when you have been hoping there will never be an ending. But either way reinvention is the only way to get the life I want. I want someone to love me so much they feel compelled to marry me, no matter what circumstances are around us. I don't want someone to "get around" to marrying me. I think we both deserve better than that.
As I reinvent myself I hope he follows. I hope he notices. I hope he cares that I'm slipping away. I think reinventing myself will not only make me happier in my daily life, but its going to give me the answer I really need at this point. I've done it before and I can do it again. ...and really I shouldn't be dishing out Hear my Heels bracelets and not taking my own advice :-)
Cheers to living a full life and finding passion every day.
Thanks to my friend for the encouragement and taking the time to get through to me.
Its been almost two years since I've picked up my laptop to write. For a moment there I lost myself waiting. Waiting for the life I wanted to start, waiting for everything to work out as planed, waiting to hear the words I've wanted to hear. And while I waited, I lost myself a bit. I wasted time being sad, being hurt, angry, frustrated, a even a little depressed. But I started this blog out of personal strength and I have found it again. Nothing may change on the surface today, but today I take back my enjoyment of everyday life. Today I'm remembering my own slogan "Hear my Heels" and I'm done waiting for my "next chapter" to begin.
So today's post? Reinvention and getting out of a rut.
I've been in a rut. I'm defining "rut" as that waiting place you go where time speeds up while you are just sitting there still staring at the same corner of the wall. Its numbing, its cold, it lacks the colors life should carry. For me my rut has been sitting around waiting for my boyfriend of 4 years to propose to me. Last time it was sitting around in a horrible marriage that had no chance of being healthy or successful. This time I knew I was in a rut as I've started craving some dramatic life change. To quit my job and find a way to pay the bills making art. To convince my boyfriend we should just go down to the court house tomorrow and make our relationship official. Something, anything that would lift me up and make me feel like I wasn't standing still while life swarmed around me. But I can't do those things. I do have a mortgage to pay and I can't convince some one else to do as I'd wish them to do. Its funny though the formula for getting happy again is similar to the last time around. I have to go back to living for myself. I have to actively do something to break the pattern.
When I was married this was incredibly hard. I was under weight from being so stressed and completely numb to feeling hungry anymore. My size zero jeans were baggy. My eyes were sunken in from a year of no sleep, and I wasn't living in a safe environment. One day I finally made a decision to live again. I changed the music in my car. No more depressing poor me, sad love song crap. Club mixes, pop, and any kind of "happy" music replaced it. Not the best diet in the world, but I was so numb I'd forget to eat and not be getting anywhere close enough calories, so I added two candy bars a day to my diet. (Only part I really miss...) I focused more on my job. I hung out with friends more that I hadn't been seeing enough. I started lifting weights again. I willed myself out of depression. I forced myself to regain my mental strength so I could make a solid decision to leave and have the physical strength to fight back if I needed to.
When I left I went to a therapist for a few months to make sure I got my head back on straight. The power of believing in yourself and your value is amazing. She couldn't believe it herself, but despite what I'd been through, she kicked me out in three months time. I was smiling, I was optimistic, and I had developed a bracelet that made me feel empowered. It is amazing how empowering taking your life back can be.
This time its different and yet the same. This time I love him. This time he's a good man who could be a great partner. But on my end it has a lot of similarities. I've lost myself waiting for someone to love me back in the way I want to be loved and it hurts every single day. There isn't a day I don't wonder why after almost four years he hasn't felt the compulsion to propose. I feel as if he doesn't fear losing me at some point. I think that may hurt more. And I don't like admitting out loud what that could possibly mean. Maybe this just isn't right, he doesn't have a huge compulsion to propose yet and I need to realize "he's just not that into me". Maybe he's just not hearing me that I need to be involved in the conversation because I truly don't know where this is going, and maybe there is a real, concrete plan, and he's just slower to move on it than the average person. I may never know, but the point is that I can't control it, so it almost doesn't matter why if the result is me feeling like crap. It either will be or won't be but I can not sit around broken hearted, like a 16 yr old girl again, wishing and praying he'll love me back.
So it's time again to reinvent myself. I don't know what the end result is, but I have to trust the fact that I'm deserving and worth it and if he doesn't see my value someone else will. So today I start writing again. I start painting more and building in my wood shop more. I start not trying to be home every second he is because of our off schedules and go out with friends more. I'll either find a dance class or join a gym for nights and weekends where I can't get to the work gym. I love him, I'm not trying to leave him, but I need to get my life back and my head on straight.
Its hard to have a beginning when you have been hoping there will never be an ending. But either way reinvention is the only way to get the life I want. I want someone to love me so much they feel compelled to marry me, no matter what circumstances are around us. I don't want someone to "get around" to marrying me. I think we both deserve better than that.
As I reinvent myself I hope he follows. I hope he notices. I hope he cares that I'm slipping away. I think reinventing myself will not only make me happier in my daily life, but its going to give me the answer I really need at this point. I've done it before and I can do it again. ...and really I shouldn't be dishing out Hear my Heels bracelets and not taking my own advice :-)
Cheers to living a full life and finding passion every day.
Thanks to my friend for the encouragement and taking the time to get through to me.
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