Mr. Right vs. Mr. Right Now - Part I

Still dating Mr. Right Now’s and Not Mr. Right?

Part I

I don’t have a specific philosophy on what it takes to find that one true love but what I do have are GOALS. Remember those? Those things you are supposed to be using for all the other aspects of life?

I’m sure a lot of people disagree on this. I have a great number of friends that believe “the one” is going to somehow fall into their lap one day just as he’s supposed to. What if we used that philosophy in other parts of our lives?

Say I’m ready for and want a new job. Instead of writing goals, making a game plan, and sending out resumes I sit at home and hope and wish and pray that this great new job will find me. Magically, some recruiter will just call me and offer me exactly what I’m looking for. Sounds silly right?

If I wouldn’t take that approach to finding a new job, and would have a more serious plan and put some work into it, why should the search for Mr. Right be any different? There are tons and tons of studies showing that people who right down their goals are much more likely to achieve them. There is no reason why you can’t treat Mr. Right like a goal either. It may even help you avoid continuing to date a whole group of Mr. Right Now’s if you are able to sit down and write what it is you actually need and what you will not tolerate in a mate. Now I’m not suggesting you sit and write: I want to be married in two years, I want a husband and kid in three years, etc. Those are things that are out of your control as they depend on TWO people making a decision together. Let’s focus on what you can control: your needs, wants, what you will and won’t tolerate, and how you are going to put yourself out there to meet the kind of men you need.

Let’s start with a “Must Have” and “Must Not Have” list. Lets keep this list to lifestyle and personality traits and leave unnecessary vanity at the door for now. If something is super important to you (ex. I work out most days of the week and have on my list that he must work out too. I’m not writing this for vanity, but it’s my lifestyle and I want my match to have a similar lifestyle.) go ahead and include it, but I don’t want to see “6’ 4”, tan, blonde hair, etc. on your list. Keep in mind that Mr. Average-Looking probably has a much better personality and is going to try harder to make you happier because, unlike, Mr. Hottie-with-a-body, has had to get by on personality and not looks.

I’ve included my personal lists here for an example:

My Necessity List

1. Monogamous
2. Wants children
3. Makes me his best friend
4. Strong work ethic: The guy that works hard generally is the same guy that will work hard on the relationship too.
5. Sense of humor: Must have a good sense of humor, and more importantly get mine
6. Sweet to me, but not afraid to stand up to me either
7. Works out: Doesn’t need to have the perfect body, just needs to have an interest in staying in shape and living a long healthy life
8. Protector: I won’t say a certain height or body type, but needs to be big and strong enough to make me feel protected.
9. Out going: I simply am not and more comfortable when my other half is.
10. Fun loving: pushes me to be more adventurous/relaxed about life
11. Puts me first
12. Complements me
13. Romantic
14. Is impressed/ proud of my accomplishments
15. Treats friends and family well
16. Decisive: Knows what he wants and go after it.
17. Independent: Better not be living off of mom and dad or looking for hand outs
18. Partner: not two individuals living under one roof

My Run For It List

1. Over use of drugs or alcohol
2. Puts me down in any way
3. Makes fun of any of my accomplishments
4. Makes me feel bad about mistakes I’ve made in the past
5. Over jealous
6. No direction in life (little boy syndrome)
7. Does not consider my opinions as important as his
8. Treats friends or family bad
9. Poor spending habits
10. Lack of similar morals
11. Cheats on me ever
12. Lying
13. Inattentive in public
14. Smokes
15. Racist
16. Sexist
17. Workaholic
18. Pushes me to do anything sexually or deviant that I’m not comfortable with.

In making the “Necessity List” I truly do believe I NEED those 18 things because of my own personal lifestyle, likes and dislikes, and I know how I want to live my life. I also believe if I have a man that meets those 18 requirements, the rest of the relationship will naturally fall into place because things not on that list are items I’m willing to compromise on. Be careful with things like “He must be Catholic”. Must he really be Catholic, or is it just important to you that he will raise your kids Catholic, support your religion, go to your church, etc. Make sure you are getting to the root of your need and not just hitting a surface quality.

For me, my “run for it” list includes everything I view as a red flag item. If someone I’m on a date with or dating shows any of these behaviors or traits I “run for it”. Maybe not the best way to break it off with someone…but their number is most likely out of my phone immediately. No matter how much I like the man, if he can’t meet my “necessity” list, or does anything on the “run for it” list, I’m wasting my time with Mr. Right-Now again and could be spending my time better looking for Mr. Right. I always try to remember I only get one life on this earth, and I’m sure not wasting a second more of it on any Mr. Right-Now. I’ll take single or Mr. Right, but I’m done with people that can’t make me happy long term.

Once you create your list, don’t be afraid to hang it on your bathroom mirror, or somewhere where you can look at it frequently. It should be something you come back and review, make sure you are staying on target for your goal of finding Mr. Right, and not wasting your time with another Mr. Right-Now.

Next week we’ll continue with Part II!


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