Being the Bad Guy

How will you feel when you knowingly cause someone to have the worst day of their life so far?

My boyfriend of four years proposed a month ago.  I should have been thrilled, bragging about my ring, and ready to plan our life together.  Unfortunately I felt none of those things.  I was horrified at myself.  I didn't want to talk about it.  I changed the subject when people brought it up.  I danced around it anytime my fiance asked about making wedding plans.  I felt nothing but anxiety and my gut was pulling at me hard saying "no no no don't do it!"

He was a great guy.  He tried his best to make me happy.  He cooked me dinner, he was always respectful, and didn't have a mean bone in his body.  People looked at us as the happy normal couple.  So when I finally got everything I wanted why wasn't I just happy?

At first I felt like I was just a complete fuck up.  Maybe I was too messed up from my divorce to accept real love.  Maybe I was a self saboteur.  Maybe I was such a stubborn ass I was just too pissed he made me wait so long.  But none of those things were the truth.

The truth was the worst part.  I've had someone say these words to me before and remember being completely blindsided.  "I'm just not in love with you any more."  Its too horrible to say to someone you care so much about.  But it was true.  While he was getting ready and planning over the years I felt more and more gotten around to.  While at year four he was reaching the height of his love and ready to make a leap I was ready two years ago and coming down down down of the wings of love with disappointment, resentment, and pain in hand.

There are no words to describe how horrible it feels to rip some one's heart apart by saying those horrible words. ..."I fell out of love.  I'm sorry but I can't marry you."  I could not get him to understand a word of what I was saying as our experience of this relationship was so different over the past year.  There was nothing I could do to make it better and ease his pain.

No sugar coating, when you rip the band aid off, it will be horrible and sad and you will feel like complete shit for doing it.  Having just ripped the band aid off and telling him its over, I feel like nothing more than a horrible person.  I know my friends will tell me it doesn't make me a horrible person, but right now, it doesn't matter.  It feels the same when you are the direct cause of someone else being in so much pain.

Listening to him ask if we could try was horrible.  I feel like such an asshole for telling him no, I'm done, no trying.  I know I did that not just for me, but for him in the fact that it would just drag this out, however it still feels the same. 

I am beside myself with how much pain I just caused him.  I understand how he felt blindsided and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.  I just ripped the entire rug from under him.

I know no one takes pity on the person doing the dirty deed of ending a relationship, but wow did it suck.  Right now I just hate myself for hurting him.  I don't feel worthy of happiness, love, or much else that is pleasurable. 

I really hope he finds his happy ending.  He didn't deserve to have to go through this.  No one should have to propose twice in their lifetime.  I'm so sorry I took that first moment from him.