To Self Doubt or Self Worth...that is the question

I pissed myself off last night.  I have Hear my Heels post card hanging up in my closet.  I think I've been avoiding reading it myself for a while.  I read it last night and had to give myself the "you stupid, poor little pumpkin" head shake.

The message is about self doubt vs self worth.  Its hard to take an honest look in the mirror when you believe you do have healthy self esteem yet letting yourself continue to be in such an emotionally frustrating position without standing up and putting your foot down.  I believe in what I am worth.  I know I am worth a man proposing to me because he is so desperately in love with me and just has to make me his because I'm so special.  We should all believe that - every day.

So why do I have such a hard time figuring out what I'm supposed to do, when I'm supposed to stay, and when I'm supposed to throw in the towel?  Its hard to admit, because in my head I always know what real love should look like, but vocalizing it and acting on it are completely different.  The truth that pisses me off...there's a moment of self doubt there.  It stops my mouth from saying "now or never" or "love me or leave me alone".  Self doubt leads to the fear that what you are feeling is wrong.  Its paralyzing.  It leaves you in a state of ambivalence and doesn't do anyone any good.

I think, I hope I've shaken myself my the shoulders hard enough to stop that crap.  I'm still not ready for a Hear my Heels moment.  Thats not the direction I'm hoping for.  However, I'm becoming ready to have that conversation and becoming confident that if I need and should have a Hear my Heels moment I can follow through. 

For me this has come down to a basic need.  The need to be with someone that loves me so much they feel compelled to commit to me.  At some point during the course of the relationship you have to have that need fulfilled to be content.  He will or he won't and I can't control that, and don't want to.  But at the end of the day I do have the choice to make sure I'm being valued the way I want.