Feeling Rutty

Thank you for the inspiration to write again.

Its been almost two years since I've picked up my laptop to write.  For a moment there I lost myself waiting.  Waiting for the life I wanted to start, waiting for everything to work out as planed, waiting to hear the words I've wanted to hear.  And while I waited, I lost myself a bit.  I wasted time being sad, being hurt, angry, frustrated, a even a little depressed.  But I started this blog out of personal strength and I have found it again.  Nothing may change on the surface today, but today I take back my enjoyment of everyday life.  Today I'm remembering my own slogan "Hear my Heels" and I'm done waiting for my "next chapter" to begin.

So today's post? Reinvention and getting out of a rut.

I've been in a rut.  I'm defining "rut" as that waiting place you go where time speeds up while you are just sitting there still staring at the same corner of the wall.  Its numbing, its cold, it lacks the colors life should carry.  For me my rut has been sitting around waiting for my boyfriend of 4 years to propose to me.  Last time it was sitting around in a horrible marriage that had no chance of being healthy or successful.  This time I knew I was in a rut as I've started craving some dramatic life change.  To quit my job and find a way to pay the bills making art.  To convince my boyfriend we should just go down to the court house tomorrow and make our relationship official.  Something, anything that would lift me up and make me feel like I wasn't standing still while life swarmed around me.  But I can't do those things.  I do have a mortgage to pay and I can't convince some one else to do as I'd wish them to do.  Its funny though the formula for getting happy again is similar to the last time around.  I have to go back to living for myself.  I have to actively do something to break the pattern.

When I was married this was incredibly hard.  I was under weight from being so stressed and completely numb to feeling hungry anymore.  My size zero jeans were baggy.  My eyes were sunken in from a year of no sleep, and I wasn't living in a safe environment.  One day I finally made a decision to live again.  I changed the music in my car.  No more depressing poor me, sad love song crap.  Club mixes, pop, and any kind of "happy" music replaced it.  Not the best diet in the world, but I was so numb I'd forget to eat and not be getting anywhere close enough calories, so I added two candy bars a day to my diet.  (Only part I really miss...)  I focused more on my job.  I hung out with friends more that I hadn't been seeing enough.  I started lifting weights again.  I willed myself out of depression.  I forced myself to regain my mental strength so I could make a solid decision to leave and have the physical strength to fight back if I needed to.

When I left I went to a therapist for a few months to make sure I got my head back on straight.  The power of believing in yourself and your value is amazing.  She couldn't believe it herself, but despite what I'd been through, she kicked me out in three months time.  I was smiling, I was optimistic, and I had developed a bracelet that made me feel empowered.  It is amazing how empowering taking your life back can be.

This time its different and yet the same.  This time I love him.  This time he's a good man who could be a great partner.  But on my end it has a lot of similarities.  I've lost myself waiting for someone to love me back in the way I want to be loved and it hurts every single day.  There isn't a day I don't wonder why after almost four years he hasn't felt the compulsion to propose.  I feel as if he doesn't fear losing me at some point.  I think that may hurt more.  And I don't like admitting out loud what that could possibly mean.  Maybe this just isn't right, he doesn't have a huge compulsion to propose yet and I need to realize "he's just not that into me".  Maybe he's just not hearing me that I need to be involved in the conversation because I truly don't know where this is going, and maybe there is a real, concrete plan, and he's just slower to move on it than the average person.  I may never know, but the point is that I can't control it, so it almost doesn't matter why if the result is me feeling like crap.  It either will be or won't be but I can not sit around broken hearted, like a 16 yr old girl again, wishing and praying he'll love me back.

So it's time again to reinvent myself.  I don't know what the end result is, but I have to trust the fact that I'm deserving and worth it and if he doesn't see my value someone else will.  So today I start writing again.  I start painting more and building in my wood shop more.  I start not trying to be home every second he is because of our off schedules and go out with friends more.  I'll either find a dance class or join a gym for nights and weekends where I can't get to the work gym.  I love him, I'm not trying to leave him, but I need to get my life back and my head on straight.

Its hard to have a beginning when you have been hoping there will never be an ending.  But either way reinvention is the only way to get the life I want.  I want someone to love me so much they feel compelled to marry me, no matter what circumstances are around us.  I don't want someone to "get around" to marrying me.  I think we both deserve better than that. 

As I reinvent myself I hope he follows.  I hope he notices.  I hope he cares that I'm slipping away.  I think reinventing myself will not only make me happier in my daily life, but its going to give me the answer I really need at this point.  I've done it before and I can do it again.  ...and really I shouldn't be dishing out Hear my Heels bracelets and not taking my own advice :-)

Cheers to living a full life and finding passion every day.

Thanks to my friend for the encouragement and taking the time to get through to me.